READERS’ CHOICE ] BY CITY NEWSPAPER READERS
While we enjoy spreading the word about what you voted as Rochester’s
best pizza parlor or car shop, our favorite part of Best Of is going through
the smart-ass answers sent in by our clever, snarky
readers. You all are funny. And MEAN! But that’s why we like you. Below find
some of our favorite responses to the open-ended primary ballot, which ran on
our website in September. If you missed your chance to get in a zinger or two,
make sure to check back next fall to get in your potshots.
Then you should probably take a deep breath: “Jim and Ralph’s
— if anyone picks Tom Wahl’s or that other slimy joint again I’ll scream!!!”
(Best Burger Joint)
What’s in a name? “Sicky
Lips”; “Stick Lips”; “Stickey Lips”; “Stickry Lips”; “Sticky Fingers”; “Sticky Liops”; “Sticky Lip”; “Sticky Lipes”;
“Sticky Lippa”; “Sticky Lippps”;
“Stocky Lips”; “Stlicklips”; “Sweet Lips.” (Best
Barbecue Joint)
No longer in the running for Best Supportive Girlfriend: “ANYWHERE MY BOYFRIEND ISN’T COOKING.” (Best Place
for Breakfast)
It’s next to Snot Coffee: “Buger
King.” (Best Place for Breakfast)
Wellness doesn’t come with side of fries and cole slaw: “Who eats fried food any more? Haven’t you
heard of Wellness?? :o) Lets drive down healthcare
costs, people!” (Best Fish Fry)
Kirstie Alley is a big
fan: “Pier 1.” (Best New Restaurant)
What if they’re romantic
stupid birthday songs? “Anywhere that doesn’t sing stupid birthday
songs!” (Best Romantic Restaurant)
Time to find a new favorite: “My favorite burned down
in 2008.” (Best Asian Restaurant)
Have you ever BEEN to Rochester?! “ARE THERE ANY REAL ONES IN ROCHESTER?”
(Best Italian Restaurant)
Time to find a new favorite, Pt. 2: “My grandma’s, but
she’s dead.” (Best Italian Restaurant)
We love that place!“The-I’m-a-horrible-parent-who-can’t-keep-my-kids-quiet-so-I-should-stay-home-and-let-people-enjoy-themselves-in-peace
cookery.” (Best Restaurant for Kids)
Try the veal: “Skip’s Meat Market.” (Restaurant for
Vegetarians)
Clearly a PC: “Honestly, they all suck and are full of
pretentious cocks on their iMacs.” (Best Coffee Shop)
Technically, aren’t taxpayers paying for all your meals? “I am a public school teacher. No one pays for my meals.” (Best Restaurant When
Someone Else Is Paying)
Talk about sesame-seed buns… “McDonalds. It helps
you poop.” (Best Meal Under $10)
You know you like Pabst: “I JUST DRINK PABST! WTF DO I KNOW?LUX!” (Best Beer
List)
Ba-dum-bump: “Are we
there yet?” “But I don’t want to!” “Why?” “Stop hitting me, it hurts.” (Best
Wine List)
Well, it would be
hot…“ConvectionCenter.”
(Hottest Waitstaff)
But the bar is well stocked: “In hell, you have to
wait awhile to be seated, though.” (Hottest Waitstaff)
Niche, you are waiting to be filled: “There are no
butch bears serving me cocktails anywhere in Rochester.”
(Hottest Waitstaff)
Ba-dum-bump, Pt. 2: “Gitsi’s.” (Best Place
for Cheap Gas)
Van hailin’: “THE OLD MAN IN
THE CREEPY VAN ALL THE WAY DOWN WEST HENRIETTA ROAD.” (Best Florist)
Ba-dum-bump, Pt. 3: “I
don’t need to buy a farmer, I need to buy food.” (Best Farmers Market)
Technically, it’s shit baths: “I DONT WANNA LAY IN SHIT BATHES.” (Best Spa)
Book ’em: “Surface. Lee, can
I get an appointment soon?” (Best Hair Salon)
Fancy! “I do my nails with my teeth.” (Best Nail
Salon)
It’s the simple things…“Parks with
swings. I love swings. They rock.” (BestPark)
It’s about form, not function: “‘Shit on a stick’
South Wedge bike poles that you can’t even lock a bike on.” (Best Public Art)
You’ll have to be more specific: “That cat in the NOTA
that looks like it has a butthole until you get
closer.” (Best Public Art)
Also, your modesty: “My booty.” (Best Public Art)
Let’s get these two together and see what happens: “The
giant red penis on 104″; “The giant vagina on Lake Ave
by Ridge.” (Best Public Art)
I think he’s still in prison: “Ask George Costanza.” (Best Public Bathroom)
Is that why the call boxes are all yellow? “I pee on
crosswalk buttons all over town, suckers!” (Best Public Bathroom)
Yes, yes we are: “And just what are you implying, City
Newspaper? Why are you taking such a wide stance in the stall next to me? Are
you trying to play footsie?” (Best Public Bathroom)
Ba-dum-bump, Pt. 4: “I’ve
done my best to stay out of jail.” (Best Local Getaway)
The fall fishnets were glorious this year: “Hookers on
Lyell Ave.” (Best
Scenic Route; received three votes)
This is kind of sad: “Whoever hires me — I need a new
job.” (Best Local Company
Danger! Danger, Maggie Brooks!“Robutrad, because it sounds like a giant, angry robot.”
(Best Local Scandal)
Not even Ren Square? “I still love the Fast Ferry — nothing will ever provide me with more
entertainment than that did.” (Best Local Scandal)
How did we miss these important stories? “Sex with a
doughnut”; “When that guy got his dick caught in the hornet’s nest hole.” (Best
Local Scandal)
The mark of a true fan: “Are the Rhinos still good?
No? Then the Amerks.” (Best
Sports Team)
They’re electrifying: “Rochester Tazorsharks.”
(Best Sports Team)
Thanks for the image: “I’d rather hook my nuts up to a
car battery than watch or engage in a foot race.” (Best Running Race)
You’ll have to be more specific, Pt. 2: “Whichever one
with the beer and the boobs.” (Best Running Race)
Recurring themes: “Any one without E-coli”; “DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSGUSTING”;
“Whichever one isn’t closed from sewage”; “They all smell bad, but Durand
Eastman, I guess.” (BestPublicBeach)
Roughing it: “I only camp at hotels and B&Bs.” (Best Regional Campground)
Ba-dum-bump, Pt. 5: “Dagobah System.” (Best Yoga Studio)
That must have been a really magical mystery tour: “The
Beatles.” (Best Music Concert of 2009)
Thanks for sharing: “I hate theater productions.
Musicals, plays, musicals, opera, you name it.” (Best Local Theater Production
of 2009)
Giving new meaning to “huuuuuuuuuuge”: “The 12’x12′ at Rochester Contemporary”; “20’x20′” (Best Art Exhibition of
2009)
Yes, but which is the best one? “Festivals suck. They
are nothing but an excuse for fat suburbanites to gorge themselves on
disgusting food and buy overpriced wind chimes.” (Best Festival)
Recurring themes, Pt. 2: “Show World”; “Bag of broken glass”;
“Playing in traffic”; “Barrel of Dolls.” (Best Kids Entertainment)
Thanks for the caveat: “Carroll’s, if you are gay.” (BestGayBar)
But not too sassy! “Child please, I’m too old for that
shit.” (Best Nightclub)
Check out the melons: “East
Ave Wegmans.” (Best Strip Club)
And now for something totally inappropriate: “Alzheimer’s
ward”; “Planned Parenthood; ya know they just got
tested (jk).” (Best Place
to Pick Up a One-Night Stand)
You could use a little more self esteem: “I’m female,
so…anywhere”; “Wherever I want, ’cause I’m the boss.” (Best
Place to Pick Up a One-Night Stand)
Ladies, consider yourselves
warned: “Lux — those alternative broads are easy,
they have low self esteem. I just hide behind a smile and understanding eyes,
and tell them things they already know so they can say, ‘I really identify with
you, so much.’ And all the time they’re needing me is
the time I’m bleeding them.” (Best Place
to Pick Up a One-Night Stand)
Oh yeah, THAT guy! “Dude at Abilene; don’t know his
name but he’s ALWAYS there”; “The guy at Abilene”; “The guy at Beale Street”; “The
guy at Lento”; “The guy at Salena’s”; “The guy at Strathallan”; “The lady at Muthers”;
“The old broad at L&M Lanes”; “THE RED HEAD WITH BIG BOOBS.” (Best
Bartender)
This article appears in Nov 11-17, 2009.
