I read The Week magazine the other day, and it
featured a suave-looking Osama bin Laden caricature on the cover wearing a John
Kerry T-shirt and a Kerry-Edwards pin. The cartoon had bin Laden passing out
Kerry campaign literature with a tagline underneath, “Who would he prefer? A
vote for Kerry, says the GOP, is a vote for Osama.”

Now you’d seemingly
have to make ocean-sized leaps in logic to conclude that Americans would be
electing Osama bin Laden if they choose Kerry. I haven’t seen bin Laden stump
for Kerry. Then again, I’ll give Orrin Hatch and Dennis Hastert the benefit of
the doubt. They were among the GOP members making such suggestions a couple of
weeks ago, and they are certainly closer to the action than I am. Perhaps they
saw Kerry-Edwards lawn signs near the hole we’ve been trying to smoke bin Laden
out of for three years now.

We should be grateful that politicians disseminate logic that us stupid Americans can understand.
They’re usually able to boil down a candidate’s complexity into a simple
formula such as, “A vote for Kerry is a vote for Osama.”

Sometimes, it’s a
little more complicated, however. A vote for Kerry is also a vote for the New
York Yankees, for instance.

New York has not won
a World Series with a Republican in office since Dwight Eisenhower in 1958.
Under the Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush administrations, it’s
0-4, with some really crushing defeats in there, including two losses the last
three years under Bush. Under Bill Clinton, New York was 4-0.

So I imagine this
enlightening fact would be the source of ulcers and other medical maladies for
innumerable voters in Kerry’s home state of Massachusetts — where the Boston
Red Sox obviously reside. Do they vote for Kerry, their boy from Massachusetts,
even though they’d obviously be voting for Osama AND the Yankees? Well… do
they support terrorism AND Major League Baseball’s evil empire? That’s what
Hatch and Hastert want those voters to ask themselves when they’re stuck in the
booths this November.

And imagine the knots
in bin Laden’s stomach. By supporting Kerry, he’s also supporting the Yankees,
and what could be more American than the Yankees? If Kerry wins, America wins.

But back to Massachusetts,
where Kerry is the expected victor. Notice how his campaign people have been
keeping this little fact about the Yankees quiet. His handlers are undoubtedly
afraid that even the slightest acknowledgment of New York’s success with
Democratic presidents could force millions of desperate Massachusetts- and Red
Sox-supporting voters to pull George W. Bush’s lever. And that just might give
Bush Massachusetts, which Kerry is counting on and absolutely cannot afford to
lose.

Unfortunately, the
Red Sox impact the quality of Massachusetts life more than the US president, so
this is something voters might be heavily considering now that I’ve brought it
to their attention.

Every off-season, the Yankees sign many of Major League Baseball’s biggest free agents for
exorbitant sums of money. And many people complain about how unfair it is that
such a wealthy team can continually outclass its poorer Major League Baseball
counterparts.

But they should just
relax. With a Republican president, the Yankees are nothing.

If George
Steinbrenner has his team’s fans at heart, he would take the money he earmarks
for free agency and send it to the Democratic National Committee to ensure that
Democrats win the White House. He’d be much more successful. New York is an
astounding 19-3 (.864) in World Series championships under Democrats and 7-10
(.412) under Republicans.

Sure, you can analyze
the Yankees’ pitching rotation, and the hitting and fielding and all the stuff
that the experts usually break down, but I’ve got nearly 50 years of history
that says the Yankees won’t win the World Series with a Republican in office.

As for the Red Sox,
they haven’t won a World Series since 1918. And, unfortunately, it doesn’t
matter who’s in the White House for them. They’re 3-2 (.600) with Democrats and
2-2 (.500) with Republicans.

But don’t let those
statistics confuse you. Just take it from Hatch, Hastert, and me: A vote for
Kerry is also a vote for Osama AND the Yankees. For Red Sox fans, clearly, if
they’re not voting for Bush, then they’re not real Red Sox fans.

This article appears in Oct 13-19, 2004.