I
watch those NFL pre- and post-game programs. Fox’s James Brown, Terry Bradshaw,
Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson are so much fun. They yuk it up, act goofy, and
then they joke about each other’s shortcomings, particularly Bradshaw’s
perceived mental deficiencies.

I
wish those guys were my friends. We’d have so many laughs together, just
busting on each other and stuff. And then I wish Jillian Barberie told me about
the weather. She puts WROC’s Scott Hetsko to shame.

But
I really like when J.B. leads that little rapid-fire segment with the guys. I
love it so much. Sometimes I even do my own little rapid-fire segment and I
pretend we’re all sitting on the couch together.

James
Brown: “Mike, 20 seconds: Does Syracuse fire football coach Paul Pasqualoni?”

Me:
“A lot of people think that win over Boston College last weekend might have
saved his job. But I say that with athletic director Jake Crouthamel retiring
in June, it doesn’t look good for Coach P. Crouthamel, who’s 66, is retiring
after 26 years. It’s suspected that he’s stepping down partly because he’s
unwilling to fire Pasqualoni. With that pillar of support about to fall,
Pasqualoni’s tenure at Syracuse is up, like the clouds in the sky.”

Terry
Bradshaw: “Are those cumulonimbus clouds?”

Howie
Long: “Terry, you don’t know cumulonimbus from cucumbers.”

Terry
Bradshaw: “I do too.”

Howie
Long: “Someone wrote that for you. I want to know if you know cumulonimbus
personally.”

Terry
Bradshaw: “I’ve never met her in my life.”

Everyone:
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

James
Brown: “Mike, 20 seconds: Are the Bills turning the corner?”

Me:
“I’m surprised that they’re actually playing very well. I didn’t expect them to
beat St. Louis. I never thought they’d go to Seattle and win all the way across
the country. They usually stink on West Coast trips. They’re getting better.
Earlier this year, I said that it was going to be a long season and fans should
expect the worst, especially when Drew Bledsoe drops back to pass during
obvious passing situations. But they’re learning. I’m impressed with Mike
Mularkey. They’re not going to make the playoffs, but he’s made his team play
better. Plus, he just beat two geniuses, Mike Holmgren and Mike Martz, two
weeks in a row.”

Jimmy
Johnson: “Genius-beating aside, Mike needs a better hairstyle.”

Terry
Bradshaw: “He needs a hairstyle like mine!”

Howie
Long: “He might have one like yours in a few years!”

Everyone:
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

James
Brown: “Mike, 20 seconds: What can be done with some of the bestial behavior
we’ve seen in sports lately?”

Terry
Bradshaw: “Bestial? You mean bestiality?”

Howie
Long: “You would know bestiality. Geez, those folks from Louisiana.”

Everyone:
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Me:
“Well, I’m willing to soften my stance a bit. Last week, I suggested we burn
people at the stake.”

Terry
Bradshaw: “I don’t like my steak burnt.”

Howie
Long: “Maybe we should burn Terry at the stake. Bestiality’s not normal.”

Everyone:
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Me:
“Hahahahahahahaha… ha hahaha… ha… ha… ha. Um, yes, well, in cricket, there are
often breaks for tea. So if things get out of control, I don’t see why an NBA
ref can’t get on the mic and tell the crowd, ‘Hey, somebody just dumped a beer
on Ron Artest. We’re gonna go for tea. See you in an hour.'”

Howie
Long: “That’s ludicrous.”

Terry
Bradshaw: “I like the Ludacris: ‘Hos… I’ve got hos… in different area codes…
area codes.'”

Howie
Long: “J.B., can he sing that? I smell Michael Powell and the FCC all over
this.”

Terry
Bradshaw: “Hey, they can’t get me. You can’t even see my nipples. Can you see
my nipples? Are my nipples showing?”

Everyone:
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Me:
“Well, listen, about cricket: I just read an Australian newspaper columnist who
said that only a society such as England, a country that functions perfectly
well without a written constitution, could have created it. Basically, he says
the sport has flourished under ‘gentlemen’s rules.’ It’s an interesting
observation. Perhaps, then, this is our only hope for removing bestial
behavior. As the US Constitution withers into nothing, maybe our sports will
one day flourish under gentlemen’s rules, as cricket has flourished partly due
to sensible English society.”

Terry
Bradshaw: “Huh?”

Howie
Long: “Huh?”

Jimmy
Johnson: “Huh?”

James
Brown: “Huh?”

Me:
“I was making a ridiculous analogy for the sake of humor. Oh, just forget it.”

This article appears in Dec 1-7, 2004.