The
Bills’ first order of business during the new J.P. Losman era is to change the
second-year quarterback’s last name to “Winman.” Losman is pronounced LOSS-man,
and that makes me uneasy. Hopefully, his name doesn’t reflect his on-field
performance.

My concern, unfortunately, has merit. I can think of three
pro athletes whose real names sparked nicknames that personified their play.
Former Sabres goalie Dominik Hasek became known as “the Dominator,” and is one
of the greatest NHL goalies in history. Former Eagles QB and Lackawanna, New
York, native Ron Jaworski became known as “Jaws,” and is Philadelphia’s
all-time passing leader. Former Packers QB and Depew, New York, native Don
Majkowski became known as the “Majik Man” and had some decent seasons during a
10-year career. If Losman becomes known as the “Loss Man,” may God help us.

Now,
Losman impressed me during the 2004 preseason. He completed nine of 11 passes
for 78 yards and ran seven times for 80 yards. He is mobile and has a strong
arm. Of course, that’s what we said about Rob Johnson, whom Losman actually
resembles facially if you squint your eyes just enough. Losman is two inches
shorter and 13 pounds heavier than the 6-foot-4-inch, 204-pound Johnson.

Johnson
had a penchant for bizarre injuries — none any weirder than during the 2000
opening game vs. Tennessee when he left because he had been kicked in the
nerve. Huh? Losman broke his leg during 2004 training camp while cutting back
on a scramble and absorbing a mild Troy Vincent hit. It was the kind of strange
mishap that would happen to Johnson. Fans must hope that’s not an indication of
things to come.

One
more thing: Losman played terribly during his first regular-season action when
he mopped up for Drew Bledsoe during Buffalo’s 29-6 November 14 loss at New
England. He completed one pass, threw an interception, got sacked, fumbled, and
later admitted that if he ever played again, he’d be more prepared and know
what to expect. Gosh, that sounds like the “Loss Man” to me.

But what’sin a name? Names are overrated, and being known as an individual in team sports is
old school. The Patriots have been heralded as the perfect team because they
don’t celebrate the individual. Their whole approach was embodied three years
ago just before Super Bowl XXXVI, when the team skipped individual player
introductions for running onto the field introduced as “the New England Patriots.”

The
Patriots dislike when one player receives greater notoriety for his
accomplishments than another. In their system, everyone is equally important. I
find it ironic that they’re named the Patriots — in honor of the people who
established this country’s system of democracy, freedom, and individual
representation — and they actually operate under some kind of
socialist-collectivist-communist manifesto. Yet fans and media embrace the
Patriots for that no-ego approach, even though it defies the capitalist-individualist-democratic
traditions that have made the US great.

Perhaps, however, a lack of ego is what the NHL needs
to solve its players’ lockout. The league canceled its season last week because
players and owners were unwilling to compromise on demands in forming a new
collective bargaining agreement. The NHL is the first established North
American pro sports league to cancel a whole season. The NBA also seems headed
for a lockout when its collective bargaining agreement expires on June 30.

Overall, I don’t have a problem with this. We could use
more sports work stoppages. In fact, we could use work stoppages in all
entertainment.

US
leaders, to an extent, rely on entertainment to pacify and distract people from
what is really important. Just as prisons feature TVs with premium cable — to
the chagrin of people who say prisons should lock inmates in dark, cold cells
and lose the keys — the US government needs entertainment to pacify and
distract the masses, or chaos would likely occur. No leaders really need that
headache.

They
need entertainment. They would probably prefer people to consider the meaning
behind J.P. Losman’s name rather than the future of the social security system.

Fortunately,
I’m here to deliver.

This article appears in Feb 23 – Mar 1, 2005.