A recovering Catholic’s shrine
Classic Catholic icons, especially the statues, are so
goddamn morose. Their sullen muted tones, their dead, guilt-inducing stares
urged me — when the penguins and priests couldn’t — to say my prayers, obey
my parents, and adhere to a whole buttload of thou-shalt-nots. When the reality of my teens superceded the divinity of the church, I split.
But after my self-imposed excommunication, I kept an
affinity for certain patron saints — those mascots or pawns, if you will, in
a papal zodiac. St. Cecelia was the patron saint of musicians, so she was cool.
St. Christopher was the patron saint of travelers but for some reason they
revoked his sainthood: another outcast. We would hit the road in exile
together. And St. Jude was the patron saint of hopeless causes, and who was I
kidding? I needed all the help I could get.
And now I collect them all.
You run into them all the time at yard sales and thrift
stores. Their worn-out charm is both alluring and sad, like a three-legged dog
that nobody wants. Plus, in many cases they were witness to a lot of grief.
Folks knelt and prayed and begged before many of them at one time. And though
they still come off somewhat judgmental — their eyes follow you constantly
— I feel sort of sorry for them, virgins, martyrs, one and all. They were
part of a regime that made my life hell. But to forgive is divine.
Many of them now take up residency with the naked-lady
statues, B-movie posters, other odd deities, and dead animal heads in my living
room. It’s a Basilica of sorts — if Hemingway or Hefner were Pope.
These statues aren’t all that cuddly, but somehow I find
them comforting, a place to focus positive energy — on my terms. Perhaps you
could call it Fallen Catholic revenge, because now I’m the one lording over the
joint — only this time it’s with a buttload of
“thou shalls.”
— Frank De Blase
By the power of Pat
He’s always been concerned about your spiritual health. Now
Pat Robertson wants to take care of your physical health, too.
Concerned by the “fattening of America”
Robertson has released his own, “unique” diet and exercise plan. With regular
exercise and a balanced diet — including two daily servings of Pat’s Diet
Shake (available in double chocolate or creamy vanilla) and three daily
servings of Pat’s Heart Healthy Breakfast Squares — you can lose weight!
Revolutionary!
On the website, www.patsshake.com, Robertson outlines the
uniqueness of his plan: a low-calorie, low-fat, high-protein diet and 30
minutes of exercise a day.
“The Bible says, ‘My
people perish for lack of knowledge,'” Robertson says. “I want to help you gain
the knowledge you need to live a full, vibrant, and healthy life.”
His diet recommends things like salad and whole wheat bread.
His exercise plan recommends you go to Wal-Mart and buy some dumbbells. “You
may not be doing multiple sets of thousand-pound leg presses at the gym like
me,” he writes, “but everyone should be building muscle through some form of
resistance training. I have particularly enjoyed the workout I get from a piece
of equipment called The Total Gym, which I use at home.”
Ah, product endorsement. How heavenly.
— Erica Curtis
This article appears in Mar 22-28, 2006.
