This summer, stop feeling guilty about forgoing lovely
weather in favor of an inky movie theater. Should your conscience continue to
nag you to go outside and play, consider the following pro-movie rationalizations:
• Movies leave us brimming with optimism and entitlement,
both desirable sensations until we realize there is really no valid
justification for either. But the ephemeral bliss is worth the crushing low.
• With a skin tone that falls somewhere on the color wheel
between Alabaster Telecaster and Porcelain Corpse, it’s obvious I don’t see
much of the sun, and I try to keep skin damage to a
minimum. By avoiding the scorching star, you too could hack at least a decade
off your age and no one would bat an eyelash (except for your friends and
family, who unfortunately know too much and would need to be silenced).
• Popcorn is now considered a whole grain, and chocolate
contains antioxidants, chemicals that sharpen your mind and encourage
happiness, as well as something called anandamide,
which is akin to THC. You know what I’m talking about.
Still looking for more reasons to skip that sticky picnic
and hole up in the arctic dark? These are the summer flicks on my radar: 15
films that run the gamut from little indie to
inevitable blockbuster, as well as one movie that’s just too good to be true.
Nacho Libre
I’m one of apparently three people on the planet who hated
2004’s Napoleon Dynamite. But
director Jared Hess’ follow-up to his sleeper hit that spawned the new
century’s most obnoxious catchphrases is co-written by Mike White (who also
penned School of Rock) and stars Jack
Black as a cook who hits the wacky Mexican wrestling circuit in hopes of winning
prize money to help orphans. A go-for-broke physical comedian shoehorned into
wrestling tights and wearing a mask? Perhaps it’s time to let bygones be
bygones. (6/16)
The LakeHouse
Sandra Bullock apparently forgave Keanu Reeves for hanging
her out to dry on Speed 2, because
now they’re costarring in this remake of a South Korean romance about a woman
who exchanges letters with the previous owner of her home through its mailbox,
despite the fact that they’re living two years apart. Sounds nonsensical,
right? When the trailer began I was rolling my eyes, yet by the end of it I was
mopping them. (6/16)
Wordplay
This documentary about New
York Times crossword editor Will Shortz explores
the anatomy of a puzzle and features interviews with crossword junkies like
former president Bill Clinton and future president Jon Stewart. Could it be the
nonfiction hit of the summer? Remember, at this time last year no one cared
about Antarctic penguins, either. (7/7)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s
Chest
I can’t be bothered with Superman’s return, and the X-Men
will have to make their last stand without me. (Kelsey
Grammar in body paint? There are some things you just can’t unsee.) The only franchise slam-dunk I’m excited aboutis Pirates: Johnny Depp reprises his Oscar-nominated
role as the woozy Captain Jack Sparrow, and this time around he’s doing battle
with Davy Jones (of locker, not Monkees, fame). More
good news: next year’s Pirates follow-up (director Gore Verbinski’s shooting ’em back to back) features Chow Yun-Fat!
(7/7)
Strangers with Candy
In this prequel to the acclaimed Comedy Central series, Amy
Sedaris — quite possibly the least vain person alive — reprises her role as
Tragedy-faced Jerri Blank, the 46-year-old ex-junkie who returns to high school
after some time spent in the pokey. Also stars show regulars Paul Dinello and Stephen Colbert, as well as Matthew Broderick,
Sir Ian Holm, and the suddenly ubiquitous Philip Seymour Hoffman. (7/14)
Pulse
Hollywood
continues to plunder the Land of the Rising Sun for ideas, and the latest is
adapted from Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s excellent Kairo, a horror film about
internet-based evil. I have mixed emotions about this remake, but Kurosawa (no
relation to Akira) is one of Japan’s
most inventive filmmakers, so it was really only a matter of time. Dig up
Kurosawa’s Cure and its sequel, Charisma, if you get a chance. (7/14)
A Scanner Darkly
Richard Linklater first utilized
interpolated rotoscoping (that’s live-action
photography which has been painted over frame by frame) in 2001’s gorgeous Waking Life, and his latest, which stars
Keanu Reeves, Winona Ryder, and Robert Downey Jr., employs the same process to
animate Philip K. Dick’s futuristic story of paranoia and addiction. (7/14)
The Lady in the Water
The latest film from M. Night Shyamalan
— “a bedtime story,” according to the trailer — stars Paul Giamatti as an apartment superintendent who finds a
beautiful water creature, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, in the complex’s
swimming pool. Could be dumb, but I think Shyamalan
knows he’s trying our patience. Plus the person writing this absolutely loved
Howard and Shyamalan’s last film, a delicate wreck
called The Village. (7/21)
Clerks II
No, this sequel to 1994’s raunchy indie
benchmark is not necessary. And no, you’ll never get back the two hours and $7
you spent on Kevin Smith’s last disaster, Jersey
Girl. But if at any time in the last decade you’ve invoked Dante’s lament
on a thwarted day off from your job (“But I’m not even supposed to be here
today!”), then you’ll also be curious about how Randal and Dante are handling
life in their 30s. (Hint: Would you like fries with that?) (7/21)
I Could Never Be Your Woman
Michelle Pfeiffer returns to the world of romantic comedy as
a producer who falls for a younger man (Paul Rudd, The 40-Year-Old Virgin) when he auditions for her Saved by the Bell-type TV show. There
was recently an impromptu summit in our break room about who
among us would, um, “date” Paul Rudd. Just in case you were curious about what
goes on behind the scenes at a serious newspaper. (7/28)
Little Miss Sunshine
Much of this year’s Sundance buzz focused on this tale of
the eccentric Hoover clan (headed by Toni Collette and Greg Kinnear)
embarking on one of those only-in-the-movies road trips in order to get their
daughter (Abigail Breslin, Signs) to the titular pageant. Directed by video auteurs Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris.(8/18)
Half Nelson
It initially sounds like a clichéd genre pic:
dedicated inner-city educator/basketball coach forms an unlikely bond with one
of his students. But that’s only after the student discovers him smoking crack
in the locker room. Ryan Gosling (The
Notebook) supposedly turns in (surprise, surprise) an astonishing
performance as the teacher trying to hold it together. (8/11 ltd)
The Illusionist
The sorely missed (by me, anyway) Edward Norton has a couple
of films out this summer, and in this one, set in turn-of-the-century Vienna,
he plays a magician who falls for the fiancée of a prince (poor Rufus Sewell,
always the cuckolded fop), only to be dogged by a police inspector (Paul Giamatti) looking to discredit him.(8/18
ltd)
The Science of Sleep
After a quick stop-off at Dave Chappelle’s Block Party, Michel Gondry returns to narrative territory with the story of shy
Stephane (Gael Garcia Bernal, Bad Education), his dynamic dream life, and his charming neighbor
Stephanie (Charlotte Gainsbourg, Jane Eyre). Gondry both directed and
wrote the screenplay for this one, so expect another whimsically heartbreaking
head-trip.(8/25)
Trust the Man
Julianne Moore, David Duchovny,
Billy Crudup, and Maggie Gyllenhaal
star in this romantic comedy that focuses on two Manhattan couples falling in
and out of (and maybe back in) love. It’s the latest from underwhelming
writer-director Bart Freundlich (World Traveler), but there’s got to be a reason he continues to get
financing. (9/1)
Snakes on a Plane
Samuel L. Jackson stars in what would have probably been an
otherwise dismissible B-movie thriller but for that magnificent title/handy
plot synopsis. Could this be a new franchise? Snakes on a Stagecoach! Snakes
on aJet Ski! And don’t get me
started on all of the possible marketing tie-ins (note to Olive Garden: how
about a spaghetti special called Snakes on a Plate?). The buzz on Snakes right now is deafening, but with
a release date pushing Labor Day, it’s got to find a way to sustain… oh, who am
I kidding? No one’s going to forget about it. It’s
snakes! On a plane! (8/18)
Remember, release dates are subject to change, but if you
eat enough chocolate you may not even notice.
This article appears in Jun 14-20, 2006.
