The Patriots sacked
Drew Bledsoe seven times — five on Buffalo’s last two desperation drives —
during the Bills’ 31-17 loss on Sunday. New England scored the game-clinching
touchdown when it sacked Bledsoe, forced and recovered his fumble, and ran it
68 yards to the end zone. The play epitomized the long season Bills fans seem
to be in for this year.

There were good
things though. Buffalo had 337 yards of offense. Terrence McGee returned a
kickoff 98 yards for a touchdown.

But Buffalo was
penalized 11 times for 94 yards, and committed too many errors to beat the
defending Super Bowl champions.

That all adds up to
misery for Bills fans.

I have a friend named Pete who takes Bills’ losses hard. I went to Pete’s house to watch the
AFC Wild Card game between Buffalo and host Miami in January 1999, and every
time the Dolphins seemingly sealed the 24-17 win, Pete would concede defeat, go
to his bedroom, and play his guitar, leaving his guests to do whatever they
wanted. Pete didn’t care if they hung themselves.

Pete conceded defeat
three times during the last five minutes. After each of those moments, he left
the room disgusted, and went back to play guitar. Years of watching Buffalo
have turned Pete into B.B. King.

But I can understand
his blues. When I was a teenager, I too was a Bills fan who wore Buffalo on his
sleeve. I became so angry when the Bills lost one time, I slammed a chair down
at my parents’ house and gouged a huge hole in the kitchen floor. Luckily, they
weren’t home. So I glued the piece back in place, but I knew what I had done.
It was like that murderer who heard his victim’s heart underneath the
floorboards in Edgar Allan Poe’s The
Tell-Tale Heart. That covered hole in the floor remained my scarlet letter
throughout childhood.

Fortunately, my
parents have a new floor now.

But back then,
whenever the Bills lost, I thought of all the crap I would take the next day,
particularly from my friend Tom, who is a Miami fan. I’d have to think of witty
ways to defend the Bills.

Tom often called up
and tormented me during Bills games. Of course, when Buffalo was kicking
Miami’s butt during the late ’80s and through the mid ’90s — a stretch when
the Bills won 17 of 21 games — I mercilessly tormented Tom, too. Basically,
Buffalo was the reason why Dan Marino only got to the Super Bowl once.

I’ve since grown up,
but there’s an occasional lapse in sportsmanship when it comes to football. I
was in Tom’s fantasy league last year, and when it was apparent that my team,
the Unspeakable Horror, stunk, I waived my entire roster. I knew I could do that
without incurring any transaction fees because I didn’t pick up any players. It
was a loophole, and I figured it would make Tom and the rest of the league’s
players angry. But I was within the rules, and doing that gave me a twisted
sense of retribution.

Tom has barred me
from participating in his league, and he passed the new “Doser” rule this year,
which states that waiving players will cost the owner money. I’m glad I made a
lasting impression in Tom’s league.

Overall, Bills fans will be facing more tough times, so I want you to learn from the psychological
coping techniques I’ve employed in my adult years.

In order to remain
calm, you should accept that Drew Bledsoe and the Buffalo line is a disastrous
mixture during obvious passing downs. Expect a sack nearly every time. Now, if
they convert, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

And if people bug you
about the Bills at the water cooler, or if they call you up incessantly to rip
on them and bring you down, do what Dr. Wayne Dyer, a motivational expert,
suggests whenever people get on your nerves. Refuse to ingest it. Remain calm and
simply say, “I’m sorry, that’s your stuff, and that has nothing to do with me.”

Remember, feelings
are always internal. You process information, and feelings are the result. Only
you control how you feel.

If that doesn’t work,
lace your Sunday salsa with Prozac and Morphine.

Now if you responded
to that last statement with, “I’m sorry, that’s your stuff, and that has
nothing to do with me,” you’re already learning.

This article appears in Oct 6-12, 2004.