Hey, bud

A savvy Rochester hipster can have an
escort and an ounce of genuine “BC Bud” waiting for them at their Toronto hotel
upon check-in.

Though lacking an official
European-style red light district, T-Dot’s booming cannabis café and
lady-for-hire industries are easily accessible.

Seeking to lure the Yankee greenback,
Toronto’s New York State advertising campaign is billing the safe, clean
metropolis of 2.4 million as “Toronto Unlimited.” Tourism Toronto is taking a
shellacking for thinking “Unlimited” will draw visitors. Mayor Miller claims the re-branding is an “embarrassment” — not
because the slogan may allude to the seedy scene, but because out-of-touch political
pundits and politicians claim “unlimited” doesn’t describe what’s happening
here.

Toronto luminary Robin “Mr. Fucking”
Black disagrees.

“I’m into chicks,” he says over beer
at a Bloor Street watering hole. “But I’m sure as hell happy that my gay
friends can get married to their boyfriend. And on our way out we can smoke a
joint if we want to. Fuck! That’s so incredibly logical. Then think for a
minute about what’s happening in America.”

The Toronto social circuit Mr.
Fucking travels nightly is fraught with “unlimited” shenanigans. Travelers are
more likely to see him womanizing, drinking, or toking about town than on stage
as sleazy heartthrob for Robin Black and the Intergalactic Rock Stars.

City hall is legally marrying gays
and lesbians. Potheads toke herb everywhere — including patios at three
beautiful, food-department-inspected cafes. The street press is jammed with
escort ads complete with photos.

A boundless vacation by crossing Lake
Ontario or driving a few hours north should involve every vice US puritans will
mandatory-minimum-sentence a citizen’s ass for.

“What appears as tolerance is just
police indifference in terms of enforcement,” says lawyer Alan Young, Osgoode
Hall Law School professor and author of Justice
Defiled: Perverts, Potheads, Serial Killers & Lawyers.

Young is an awesome advocate for
people seeking adult merriment. He has defended a place the press dubbed
Bondage Bungalow, a jolly hashish smuggler, and med grass patients.

There’s nothing Young relishes more
than a good moral legal scrap. He argued in the Bondage Bungalow case, for
example, that paying to be human floor tiles in a dominatrix’s kitchen isn’t
“sex” as defined by the criminal code.

“The law operates as a trap,” he
explains for those seeking guilty pleasures. Young argues Toronto’s moral laws
are loosely enforced, creating public perception the activity is legal.

“Booking a call girl, visiting a
dominatrix, buying marijuana is on the books,” Young warns. “I’d be very wary
if I was from out of town, especially visible minorities.”

“People come in here all the time
from the US saying they heard grass is legal up here,” says Zach Naftolin, an
employee of the bong and hemp store Toronto Hemp Company. “We have to tell them
it’s not.”

Grasping
the wink wink, nudge nudge happenings here will unlock the potential for an
Amsterdam-esque vacation.

Fourteen hundred all-nude massage
parlors are licensed under the city’s holistic bylaw. Visiting one might lead
to something more than a naked rub. Even more than a tug.

According to daily paper The Toronto Star‘sthree-part investigation, these parlors are, allegedly,
predominately brothels, despite posted signs: “No Sex.”

A lack of an expense account
prevented verification.

Ordering in is plenty easy too.

Believing Rochester residents need a
lubricated helping hand, Mr. Fucking advises. “When it comes to ordering a
prostitute from the yellow pages or the papers, there are a few simple rules,”
he says. “Number one, if you don’t like the toppings on the pizza, send it
back. You ordered them. You’re loaded out of your mind in Toronto. You got your
last $200 and decide to order a girl to have a good 45 minutes of fun and games
naked style. She gets there, and you don’t like the looks of this, send it
back.”

Now if the agency bungles the girl,
but she’s still almost hot, he says, “Bang her anyway. You’ve been waiting. Go
for it. It’s 4:30 in the morning, you’re in Toronto stoned out of your mind and
a small boob girl shows up, and you wanted big, it’ll do.”

Seeking kink?

Once a big purveyor, Mr. Fucking is
becoming bored — the result of S&M mainstream acceptance around town.
“You can get a secretary wife to spank you,” he says about the city’s ladies.

“She’s seen it on CSI and she’s willing to do it. If you
want to drop $800 on a Toronto dominatrix I can give you numbers. But you can
almost get any girl to do that these days. I think the whole dominatrix world
is barely worth exploring anymore.”

The flamboyant fellow with eye shadow
and no eyebrows continues, “When I dated Domonique, a successful Dominatrix,
people we’re flying from all the around the world to get her to puke on them or
kick them in the face while they’re tied to the ground. I’m thinking, ‘You’re
paying $900 an hour for getting puked on, or $2000 to get kicked in the face?
You’re nuts. I’ll kick you in the face for free.'”

But you can find kink within the
escort service industry. Dominatrices operate out of dungeons such as the
Bondage Bungalow. There are male escorts for other men, but women most likely
are out of luck. A Rochester woman’s best bet is to go to a bar — the Bovine
Sex Club on Queen West, for example, or the Shanghai Cowgirl next door — and
pick someone up.

Whereas
Mr. Fucking is dedicated to penis pleasure, Marc “Prince of Pot” Emery
devotes his waking hours to cannabis consumption. The Cannabis Culture publisher possesses many Hugh Hefner qualities
too.

To avoid a pot-tease situation, The
Prince of Pot suggests American marijuana tourists investigate mail order. The
cannabis café scene is purely BYOB — Bring Your Own Bud.

“Cannabis mail order companies send
anywhere in Canada,” he says. “They do this all the time. Mail order marijuana
is exploding. These businesses are willing to accommodate any situation. The
mail order forum on the Cannabis Culture site (www.cannabisculture.com) is the most popular. Twenty-five people are on
it at any one time discussing customer service. It’s interesting having
businesses discuss customer service for an illegal product.”

The open debate is creating excellent
buying trust.

Those comfortable making eBay
purchases should be at ease using these services. Cannabis Culture‘s forums act as a public rating service. The site
is also currently endorsing four companies that readers can be comfortable
sending money to.

Upon receiving an order the mail
order bud companies ship real potent grass (some of BC’s best) to any Canadian
location via mail — a hotel you’ll be checking into, for example, or a
friend’s house. They’re experts at discreetly getting grass into your hands.
Many parts of Canada are very rural; now these enthusiasts can experience
fantastic herb too. Customers can track their orders via the websites.

Budmail (www.budmail.biz), Jays
Joints (www.xmail.net/jay/index.html), Doobiedude (www.doobiedude.com), and
BudBuddy (www.budbuddy.biz) peddle what drug czar John Walters warns US
citizens about: potent “BC Bud.”

Canadian weed is potent, but it’s not
flooding America. Rochester residents most likely haven’t smoked real Canadian,
unless they’ve been north. Czar Walters is misleading Congress when he says BC
Bud is a “major source” of marijuana. A 2004 US-Canada Border Drug Assessment
concluded, “Canadian-produced marijuana accounts for only approximately 2 per cent
of overall US marijuana seizures at its border.” Royal Canadian Mounted Police
(RCMP) wrote in 2002, “The US are basically their own main source of
marijuana.”

Mail order is much safer than the
streets, but The Prince of Pot has a few tips for those not planning ahead.

“Look for someone with the same
background as you,” he says. “Find a fellow American who is toking and politely
ask them if they can hook you up. Find out where they hooked up and go there.
Don’t buy into the dealer’s paranoia. Don’t let them rush you. That just means
they’re selling schwag.”

Before taking the stash on a city
cannabis café tour, become familiar with the self-regulation to avoid looking
stoner stupid.

“Be cool or don’t come,” advises
Kindred Café owner Dom Cramer.

His fantastic
organic-beans-delivered-twice-a-week coffee, scrumptious affordable menu, and
beautiful upscale atmosphere attracts people unaware. Only those venturing up a
flight of stairs experience Kindred Café’s (7 Breadalbane Street) liberal
rooftop patio, which adds to the heavenly feel.

Visitors might even be able to view
their hotel from the second-floor patio. Both downtown’s Sutton Place and
Marriott are some of the background eye candy.

Cannabis cafe proprietors design
their businesses to the vibe of the surrounding communities. This ain’t no
ghetto tour. These relaxing hotspots are all in districts promoted by the
Toronto Unlimited campaign.

“Our area is more like Vancouver,”
says Suzy, the owner of a café called G-13. “The Beaches [neighborhood] has
that Vancouver feeling. We are designated a tourist area. Come out here to
breathe. Go on the boardwalk, have a walk, come here, then leave with a better
headspace.”

Firing up a doobie in Kensington
Market’s Hot Box Cafe (Baldwin Street), The Beaches’ G-13 (1905 Queen Street
East), or downtown’s Kindred Café won’t get you tossed, if you follow the house
rules.

“The biggest rule is no dealing,
fishing, mooching, asking, and begging to get a toke off someone,” says Chris
“Goodster” Goodwin. “Sometimes these moochers are blatant. Others are subtle.
Worst are the people fishing in ashtrays. I’ll throw you out on your head for
that.”

Goodwin operates the Up In Smoke Café
in Hamilton, a city on route to Toronto for those driving. A weekend visit
August 20 and 21 would be extra delightful.

Goodwin is celebrating his first
anniversary, or “cannaversary,” on August 20 with a “Call to Bongs.”

Instead of a lame 20-percent-off
sale, he intends to give away free THC ingestion ingredients. His quarter pound
worth of ingredients should serve 1000. The Prince of Pot is flying in for the
4:20.

Rallies are excellent to meet
friendly like-minded Canabians engaging in public acts of disobedience. Make
friends here and grass is easily available every visit.

Goodwin lays down the top cannabis
café rule. “Don’t come in here asking, ‘Can I buy a dime?'” he says. “We don’t
sell. No one sells. I get asked a 1000 times a day.”

Patrons of Kindred Café, explains
owner Cramer, “Come here to learn all about free trade coffee. We offer fresh
organic coffee. The beans are delivered twice a week. We have fantastic food.
We’re extra classy, without being pretentious. We’re a kind, friendly place.”

With your freshly roasted coffee,
fruit smoothie, chunky salad, or grilled sandwich, if you happen to bring your
own bud, then by all means, get a day pass, and head to the rooftop patio.

Cramer, a dedicated cannabis
advocate, doesn’t discriminate against people who choose one plant over
another. “We’re not encouraging marijuana use, but we’re not discriminating
against it,” he says. “Don’t come here anticipating overt marijuana use. We support
compassion club members using their medicine.”

As cofounder of the longest-running
not-for-profit compassion club, Toronto Compassion Centre, he understands the
need for somewhere to peacefully puff.

“There’s a lot of wow going on here,”
he smiles and says on the patio over tasty blueberry smoothies.

G-13 proprietor Suzy echoes the
medicinal marijuana aspect. “We look at G-13 as somewhere people can take their
medicine in peace,” she says. “I play a lot of jazz. We have the old Rochdale
crowd hanging around here. Plenty of people come from the medical clubs. We
have the pride flag flying. This place is like the U.N. You leave all your
problems and issues at the door. Come here to chill and relax.”

Before
making a run for the border to experience Toronto Unlimited, ponder: Are
you prepared to be a responsible glutton at the all-you-can-eat buffet?

Many Canabians have unfavorable views
of Americans after President George Bush tarred the nation with the reference
“brother.”

Here’s why: Minister of Justice
Martin Cauchon ran and floated proposed marijuana legislation to Attorney
General John Ashcroft before the bill was introduced — raising accusations of
bowing to US meddling. The Knights of Columbus in New Haven, Connecticut, spent
$62,262 to print 2 million anti-gay-marriage “save the family” postcards,
distributed to Canadian politicians. Newt Gringrich still claims, despite no
evidence, some terrorists were in Canada before 9/11. The Canadian Ambassador
wrote him a reprimand letter. Oh, and stop pretending to be us abroad, too.

Former Canadian Broadcasting
Corporation political commentator and longest-serving cannabis convict Rosie
Rowbotham, who previously smuggled hashish into the country by the ton and was
once referred to as the jolly hashish smuggler, loses his inner Buddha thinking
about US-Canada relations and the prospects of plenty of Americans coming out
to a café he visits weekly.

“They suffer from trickle-down
idiocy,” Rowbotham rants about Americans.

“Even the liberal ones. Republican,
Democrat, I can’t tell the difference,” he says. “You can have your Coney
Island fries, I’ll take French Fries any time. Don’t come up here to smoke our
pot. Grow it at home and get 25 years.”

More than any Canadian Rowbotham
knows how Canada can be an occasional target in the US war on drugs. Canadians
face extradition for their cross-border smuggling activities these days.

As this issue was going to press, the
DEA did just that. On Friday, July 29, Canadian police picked up The Prince of
Pot, Marc Emery, and two employees for extradition. The Vancouver Sun‘s headline screamed, “Uncle Sam Orchestrates
Vancouver Pot Bust.” Editorially the Sun unleashed, “outrageous infringement of Canadian sovereignty,” in paragraph one.

“We’re big ass kissers. We’re going
to get nailed and I’m mad,” Rowbotham says. “What has America done right since
the Marshall plan? If you can make a list of 10, argue it, then come up here
and smoke our pot,” he hangs up all wound-up.

Matt Mernagh is a ferret parent who
contributes the weird and crazy for Toronto’s alt-weekly NOW from the safety of his home.

GLOSSARY

BC
Bud: Generic term for potent grass.

The
Beaches: Spend a carefree afternoon strolling the boardwalk in this
neighborhood.

Bondage
Bungalow: A safe, no-complaining-neighbors suburban home turned into a
dominatrix queendom. Gained press fame for Alan Young’s “S&M is not sex”
defense.

Budmail,
Jay’s Joint Delivery, Doobie Dude, and BudBuddy: Booming marijuana mail
order companies that send green securely anywhere in Canada. Check the online
forums for endorsement.

Cannabis Culture: think High Times, but with real marijuana.
Based in Vancouver.

Compassion
club: A medicinal marijuana clinic where clients can obtain a safe, clean
supply of cannabis.

Downtown:
Yonge Street is a schmaltzy tourist shopping zone with some grit. Stop
before Wellesley.

Hamilton: aka “The Hammer.” Radical grass guys here.

Kensington
Market: Gorgeous fruit stalls, secondhand thread shops, and Hot Box Café
create a passport-free ride to Amsterdam.

Rochdale: Free university where draft dodgers and potheads (often one in the same) used
to attend classes back in the day.

T-Dot: One of the many terms used to describe Toronto. Same as Big Smoke.

Toronto
Hemp Company: Yonge Street hemp shop that eliminates all unsavory elements
when buying shirts, glass pipes, and bongs.

This article appears in Aug 3-9, 2005.