“American Idol” 2013: Results (Top 9 to Top 8)

The show opened with the Jimmy Iovine
recap, which I always find fascinating. Jimmy is the one person who I feel
actually knows what’s going on this season. He found Wednesday night confusing,
because some of the singers were good, some were bad, and yet the judges were
nice to all of them. He basically gave it to the judges for not doing their
jobs. Seriously, we’ve never had a more useless group of judges on this show.
Only Nicki and Randy even approach honesty, and
sometimes Nicki is way off.

Jimmy also had an issue with several of the contestants not
knowing the Beatles catalog, saying that “American Idol” is a job just like
singing is a job, and the contestants should be doing their homework. Amen. And
lest we forget, some of the judges didn’t even know these songs (MARIAH). Jimmy
really came for Lazaro, calling his number on
Wednesday easily the worst of the night. He also basically called Lazaro a liar for his plea to Ryan (and America) that he
learned his song the night before. Jimmy said that Lazaro
sang that same song when he worked with him on Saturday. So something in the
milk isn’t clean there.

Jimmy felt that Amber deserved to be in the Top 3, but he
called Candice the best performance of the night. On the other hand, he thinks
Paul made some really stupid mistakes and will end up in the Bottom 3. Angie
got the dreaded “too dramatic” note from Jimmy, and you could see his concern
about her. I weirdly feel the same — she could totally get lost in this
competition, yet her potential is massive. Meanwhile, he considers Janelle his
dark horse. She had a great night on Wednesday, but I wouldn’t go that far,
Jimmy.

Group sing! The boys sang “Got to Get You Into My Life.” You could barely hear
them. And there’s no excuse for that since I’m 99 percent sure these stupid
things are prerecorded and autotuned into oblivion.
This week it was Paul’s turn on the lame city/town proclamation day merry-go-round.
This is such a stupid addition to the show this season. And furthermore, actual
government officials are wasting time making official proclamations about
also-rans on a reality show. Is that how you want your elected officials
spending their time? The brutal twist is that after Ryan gave Paul his dumb
plaque, he also informed him that he was in the Bottom 3. Boom. (But not
surprising.)

After the commercial, Season 10’s Casey Abrams came out to
sing “I Saw Her Standing There.” Casey’s muttonchops are not the look. Not even
remotely. I swear, I need to teach a seminar for
straight men on questionable facial hair choices. Anyway, I always liked Casey,
and he was good on this, too — although the noodling
at the end got a bit tiresome. He’s a real musician and artist, and I realized
while watching him that those are in short supply this season. The closest I
think we come is Angie.

Then the five ladies came out for a group number. I know
that damned song but I cannot for the life of me remember the title. I thought
parts of it were simply gorgeous, while other parts nearly went off the rails.
There were times I also questioned whether it was pre-recorded or not.

Results: Devin found himself in the Bottom 3 again. I agree
with that. It was a very dull number. He talked about how he had a really hard
day yesterday but was proud of his performance. Hm,
interesting. Lazaro said that the judges last night
were right “for the most part,” and said that he has to pick songs he loves and
not switch songs. Again: Jimmy Iovine told us that Lazaro sang “In My Life” over the weekend. So did he switch
songs, and then switch back? Or what? Regardless, Lazaro
was not in the bottom. Absolutely ridiculous. This is
what the show gets for pushing Lazaro through to the
live voting just so it could milk his sob story.

And then, Jessica Sanchez! I really wanted Jessica to win
Season 11. No offense to Phillip Phillips. He is great. But Jessica, to me, was
the best shot this show had at a girl winner in years. (Until this year, when
the producers obviously stacked the deck in the ladies’ favor.) SO talented, so young, so full of potential. She premiered
her new single with Ne-Yo, which sounded suspiciously
like “Closer” in the beginning but came into its own in the chorus. The song
was too low for Jessica, and the poor dear really can’t sing and dance at the
same time. I liked the song less the longer it went along. It’s super
repetitive. But, hey, that’s what’s on the radio right now. So
good luck to Jessica. I hope she makes it huge.

More results: Kree was safe, Candice was too. Angie
was safe, meaning every person I was really worried
about was fine. Janelle made it through, and that’s right given her performance
last night. But after Lazaro she’s the weakest person
left in the group.

That left the final B3 slot between Amber and Burnell, and surprisingly it was Amber in the low-scoring
group. Randy Jackson said that he was shocked that Amber was in danger. Me too; I suspect that had to do with song choice more than
anything else. She sounded great on “She’s Leaving Home,” but it’s not an
attention grabber.

Given that Ryan zipped through the results without any
rankings, I guess we can assume that they’ve discontinued that after just one
week. Oh, the conspiracy theories one can associate with that one! My guess is
that this comes down to Lazaro, who I suspect was one
of — if not THE — highest vote-getter last night. And
that’s got to be a huge egg on the face of this show, because he’s easily the
worst singer in this competition. There’s not even a question about that.

Anyway, it was Paul who received the lowest number of votes.
Not surprising. For his sing-for-the-save he did Heart’s “Alone,” which I
believe he sang in semi-finals. A mistake then, a mistake
now. The song is simply too low for Paul, and he barely got through the
first verse. He cut loose on the chorus and sounded great on it, but a song is
more than a chorus.

Not that it really mattered. Paul had zero shot of getting
the judges’ save. He has never been a favorite of the judges, and I think some
of them (Keith, possibly Randy) were surprised that he made Top 10 to begin with. He’s got a
great voice for the radio, but he has some serious weaknesses that he needs to
address. Hilariously, after Randy told him he wasn’t getting the save, the
crowd booed. Paul said, “Hey, I think I’m pretty great, OK?” Of course you do,
Paul.

So that’s two
boys down, and Devin continues to circle the drain. Unless he does
something massively different next week he’s toast. Unless
America wakes up and actually starts listening to Lazaro.

Next week: “the music of the Motor City.” So,
Motown?

This article appears in Mar 20-26, 2013.