Dear Mr. Glazer:

I just read in
Britain’s Daily Mirror that you
recently called the Palm Beach, Florida, police department in hysteria. There
was a helicopter hovering over your $12-million beachfront mansion and you
feared a sniper might be trying to kill you.

Evidently, you’ve
been concerned about this possibility ever since you took a 76.2-percent share
of Manchester United soccer club, the highest-valued sports franchise on the
planet.

Mr. Glazer, you’re 76
and you don’t need that kind of stress. You’ve done well since graduating from
Monroe High School in 1946. Forbes
Magazine assesses your net worth at $1 billion. But that hasn’t earned you
a kilogram of appreciation from Man U fans. If it did, they wouldn’t have
posted signs at a recent game telling you to “rot in hell.”

That would scare me,
too. So I suggest you come home. You can fear for your life right here in
Rochester. Mayor Bill Johnson recently released a homicide study and,
evidently, there’s plenty of fear on our streets. But at least you’d be
appreciated.

Mr. Glazer, Rochester sports fans have been trying in vain to put this city on some kind of map for
decades. We thought it was going to be the Rhinos in the MLS, all the PGA
events we host at Oak Hill, and maybe Division I hockey at RIT. We’re sort of
attached to the Buffalo Bills, but it’s kind of like knowing a buddy of a buddy
whose distant relative is Bill Gates. We’re not connected at all, and it just
hurts so badly.

We’ve been kidding
ourselves. MLS wants little to do with the Rhinos. The PGA events come and go
and don’t stay in sports fans’ consciousness long enough to affect our
reputation. Division I hockey at RIT is still a minor collegiate sport. And the
Bills just don’t belong to us.

We’re little ol’
Rochester, still searching for a mapmaker.

Alas, Mr. Glazer, you
are the mapmaker we need.

Get out of that
Manchester, England, hornets’ nest and move Man U to Rochester, where the
soccer fans would welcome you with open arms, kiss your feet, and thank you for
putting the city on the map of the world.

We’ll give you anything you want. A fast ferry? We can arrange that. A ferry terminal to rent
out space — maybe put a Man U merchandising stand in there — well, you’re
gonna have to pay for that. You have a dollar? Want a stadium? We’ll give that
to you, too. We’re not messing around anymore with small change like the
Rhinos. We know you’ve got money.

While we’re at it,
might I suggest you move your Tampa Bay Buccaneers up here? Think about how
great that would be. Right in your hometown. You’d be as heralded as the next
George Eastman around these parts, lauded for your forward thinking and
brashness, which you’ve proven in taking over Man U. And don’t forget how gutsy
it was to leave the legendary Bill Parcells embarrassed at the altar a few
years ago, only to hire Jon Gruden, who won you a Super Bowl in 2003. Take
that, Billy boy! Hahaha!

I’ll tell you what
I’m going to do. You come here, and we’ll make you Mayor. We’ll throw in County
Executive. You can be governor if you want too. We’ll rename Rochester “Glazer
City.”

Anything. We’re
starved. We’ve given sweetheart deals to charlatans and quacks in the past. But
you, my friend, are the real thing. Forbes
Magazine, Man U, and the Tampa Bay Bucs do not lie. Just put us on a
freakin’ map.

Glazer City. I like
that. Consider it done.

This article appears in Jun 22-28, 2005.