Dear Queen Latifah,
Have I turned into some sort of
Tinseltown power broker? About a month ago I mentioned in this space that I
would like to see Djimon Hounsou (In
America, Constantine) as the love
interest in a romantic comedy, and now we’ve got Beauty Shop! I can’t help but conclude that you saw and really
liked my idea, because it took only a few short weeks for this film to get
written, cast, shot, edited, promoted, and distributed (well, either that or
I’m really out of touch with what’s happening in Hollywood). But I guess I
forgot to suggest that the film be enjoyable as well. I’ll remember that the
next time I think in print.
I have to admit that I didn’t see Barbershop 2, from which Beauty Shop was spun off. I’m assuming
that it’s not vital to understanding what’s happening in this film, but let me
see if I got it right.
Gina, played by you, has moved to
Atlanta for a job in a swanky salon with a temperamental boss named Jorge
(Kevin Bacon). After the plot-fueling tussle during which she pulls a couple of
race cards, Gina decides to realize her dream of opening her own establishment.
First there’s the loan interview/extreme makeover (just how many race cards are
in a race deck?), then the procurement of the shop, followed by the assembling
of the stereotypes to make up Gina’s staff (the bitchy one, the fertile one,
the eccentric one, the ditzy one, and the gorgeous ex-con whose sexuality is
the subject of great debate).
And then Gina meets a sensitive dream
guy who can rewire her electrical (that’s actually not a euphemism for
anything) and successfully battles some attempts at sabotage. Beauty Shop ends with the requisite
learning of the stuff, like tolerance, self-respect, and the joys of a bigger
backyard.
I know you didn’t direct Beauty Shop (that’s music video director
Bille Woodruff), or write it, but you did produce it and ostensibly sign off on
all aspects. What message was this film trying to send? Gina’s big on
empowerment and spends a hell of a lot of time upbraiding various males for
treating women as sex objects (especially the little pest that hangs around the
shop). Yet as your character tries to enlighten, the camera spends so much time
ogling chicks’ behinds that the film could have been called Booty Shop.
Alicia Silverstone’s character (the
ditzy one) only gains acceptance after she tries to emulate her black
co-workers, a situation I can’t imagine anyone would green light in this day
and age if the races were reversed. And did you really need to foster the gay
stereotypes (the swishy hairdresser, that screaming queen with the handbags)?
Bigotry just ain’t funny.
And why not just go for the hard R
instead of the PG-13? We both know that women cuss as much as men do, and since
the ladies of the salon obviously minored in sex therapy at cosmetology school,
it would have made more sense to use the swearing and allow the film to be a
little less treacly. But changing the word in that Parliament jam to
“mothersucker” should maybe tack another $15 million onto the gross. And it
gave me a much-needed laugh. Thanks.
It goes without saying that you are a
superb role model, and not just for women of a certain color or size. Your
smarts, ambition, and creativity make you worthy of admiration from all. But,
Oscar nomination for Chicago notwithstanding, you are one lousy actor. You’re completely wooden and
strangely sexless, which is a problem when you’re the star of a movie and need
to make the audience believe that the foxy, ivory-tickling, Langston
Hughes-reading electrician upstairs doesn’t have any more appealing offers.
I was right about Hounsou, though,
wasn’t I? All the attributes that I thought would make him a fine romantic
leading man are on display: He’s charming, charismatic, completely swoonworthy,
and a very good actor to boot (he’s got an Oscar nom himself, you know). It’s
not his fault that he has very little to do here and has absolutely no
chemistry with his leading lady.
Hey, did you blackmail Kevin Bacon to
get him to play Jorge? I’m imagining you soaking the master print of The Woodsman in blood and dangling it
over a tub of piranhas as… um… what do actors call it? Oh, motivation. Alfre
Woodard was a hoot and always classes up anything she takes part in — her
Afrocentric, Maya Angelou-quoting flake was the best thing about Beauty Shop.
And you must have some particularly
vile dirt on B+ list stars Andie MacDowell, Alicia Silverstone, and Mena
Suvari. I can’t believe they would consent to embarrassing themselves like that
(especially MacDowell), but they probably had nothing better to do. Also, the
next time you get Della Reese for a movie, use her for more than one scene.
She’s pretty funny, and, oddly enough, she looks just like my grandma.
Incidentally, the name Queen Latifah
may work when you’re a hip-hop star, but unless you’ve ascended an actual
throne somewhere, consider going back to your real name, Dana Owens. Even LL
Cool J wants to use his (James Todd Smith) for the screen. And if you think it
isn’t catchy enough, maybe throw a “y” in the middle of your first name. My mom
thinks it’s exotic.
Love,
Dayna
Beauty
Shop (PG-13), starring Queen Latifah, Djimon Hounsou, Andie MacDowell,
Alicia Silverstone, Mena Suvari, Kevin Bacon, Alfre Woodard. Canandaigua Theatres, Cinemark Tinseltown,
Greece Ridge, Vintage Drive-In
This article appears in Apr 6-12, 2005.
