It went largely unnoticed by most
media outlets, but the 1st Annual Daynas were held recently in my tiny
apartment. It was a rather casual affair — no sequins or tuxes allowed, and
the invitees and I dined on tuna sandwiches, nacho cheese Doritos, and Ovaltine
(the chocolate malt kind).
I didn’t have any swanky gift bags to
hand out, but I made sure everyone got a brownie and I let the stars help
themselves to some clothes and books I no longer needed. Happily, their bizarre
senses of entitlement remained intact.
The Daynas aren’t like other awards
— they’re designed to champion those neglected by Oscar, and instead of a
large voting body, I alone cast the ballot. I make up some categories, too. If
it sounds megalomaniacal, well, isn’t it always?
So without further ado, I bring you
the categories, the winners, the questionable logic of the voter, and even
highlights from a few of the acceptance speeches.
The
Thrill Ride: Spider-man 2
I laughed, I cried, I caught my
breath; I went home and waited patiently until it was released so I could see
it again.
The
Quirky Little Gem: Eternal Sunshine of
the Spotless Mind
Smart and funny and sad and
passionate and whimsical and truthful.
Director Michel Gondry: “Merci à Jim
Carrey, Kate Winslet, et le scenariste, Charlie Kaufman. Il est brilliant.
J’aime les Doritos.”
The
Completely Overrated: Napoleon Dynamite
Writer-director Jared Hess: “Thank
you, Wes Anderson, for allowing every hack to believe that they can make a
movie about a barely tolerable nerd and people will love it. Sorry that my film
made more than twice as much as Rushmore yet wasn’t even half as good.”
The
Slightly Overrated: Sideways
Don’t get me wrong — Sideways is a decent, well-written
flick. But I suspect the reason many critics are so high on this movie is
because a number of them identify with the Paul Giamatti character:
middle-aged, ordinary-looking white guys who moonlight as frustrated novelists.
I’m sure if someone made a film about an indecisive yet impulsive curly-haired
baker-writer in her mid-30s, I’d be on it like dog hair on a new suit.
The
Thoroughly Underrated: The Village
Too agitated over what it should be,
no one seemed to be able to appreciate this movie for what it was: a scary
little story with a huge romantic heart, a great cast (William Hurt, Sigourney
Weaver, Joaquin Phoenix, Adrien Brody), and a line that keeps playing in my
head (“Sometimes we don’t do what we want so that others won’t know we want to
do it”).
Best
Actor: Jim Carrey, Eternal Sunshine of
the Spotless Mind
If Oscar continues to screw Carrey
like this, it should do the honorable thing and marry him. Blame the studio for
not realizing what it had and not taking into account Hollywood’s notoriously
short attention span when it unspooled the film last spring. (Carrey was unable
to attend the festivities as he was busy beating his head against the wall, so
I accepted the award for him and then split his brownie with second-place Ethan
Hawke.)
Best
Actress: Anne Reid, The Mother
Ditto for poor Reid: an astounding
performance in a movie that was in theaters for a few fleeting weeks over the
summer and forgotten by Oscar time.
Reid: “This is lovely, but would it
have killed someone to rerelease this film at the end of the year? I really
would have preferred an Academy Award.”
Best
Supporting Actress: Jodie Foster, A Very
Long Engagement
No one bats an eye when Monica
Bellucci or Jackie Chan act in a foreign tongue, so why make a big deal about
Foster’s French twist? Because she was exceptional, and this is called the
Daynas, not the Yous.
Best
Supporting Actor: Peter Sarsgaard, Kinsey
He may have hoped to be a leading
man, but Sarsgaard, who was denied an Oscar nod for Shattered Glass and stole Garden
State from its stars, is quietly filling the niche of the indispensable
young character actor.
Let
Them Star in A Romantic Comedy Already: The Rock and Djimon Hounsou
Both of these men have charisma to
burn and usually get saddled with their stock roles (blockhead and martyr,
respectively).
The Rock: “Thanks. By the way, did you
want to see us in separate romantic comedies or paired together in one?”
The
Movie I Hope to be Watching Nine Years From Now: Before Lunch
I dug Before Sunrise, I absolutely adored Before Sunset, and lunch is one of my very favorite meals.
The
You-Never-Call-or-Write Award: Chow Yun-Fat
Where have you gone, Chow Yun-Fat?
Those rumors about you starring with Johnny Depp in next year’s Pirates of the Caribbean sequel had
better be true because that will make it THREE YEARS between movies.
The
I-Don’t-Miss-You Award: Helen Hunt
Not even Mira Sorvino and Marisa
Tomei were less deserving of their Oscars. Perhaps Hunt should give hers back.
Hunt: “No.”
The
Antonio Banderas Award for Overexposure: Jude Law
Law: “Dayna, what the hell is your
problem? I think you secretly love me.” (I consider this briefly after
remembering how much I enjoyed Cold
Mountain then resume fantasizing about a steel cage match to the death
between Law and runner-up Naomi Watts in which I’ve slipped her a sock full of
quarters and him a bag of marshmallows.)
The
Please-Rescue-Me-From-This-Soul-Sucking-Drudgery Award: Benicio del Toro
Benicio del Toro has actually
received this award before, even before the inception of the Daynas.
Occasionally he wins it once or twice a day, depending on how things are going
for me. Can’t wait for Sin City this
April.
Hey, maybe next year you could come
to the Daynas! We’ll need a bigger venue — perhaps that posh McDonald’s, the
one with the ball crawl. I bet Jude Law would like that.
This article appears in Feb 23 – Mar 1, 2005.
