When
the candidates for congressional seats representing parts of Monroe County came
in for interviews, we barraged them with a stream of tough questions: “Do you
support an invasion of Iraq?” “How can the US create peace between Israelis and
Palestinians?” “Should Medicare cover prescription drugs?”

            But the last question was by far the
toughest: “Where’s Dick Cheney?”

            The second-most powerful person in
the free world (or the most powerful, depending who you ask) has been as
elusive as a straight answer from White House press secretary Ari Fleischer.
While we have no doubt Cheney’s earning his $174,475 VP salary by working
tirelessly to promote the interests of all Americans, we can’t help but be
curious about his whereabouts.

            We figured incumbent Democrat Louise
Slaughter would at least have a clue as to where Cheney’s been hanging. After
all, she spends a lot of time in our nation’s capitol and, like all Democrats,
works closely with the administration in the constructive spirit of
bipartisanship we’ve come to expect.

            “All I remember about Cheney was
when he was asked why he didn’t show up in Vietnam, and he said he had other
priorities,” Slaughter says. “Who knows? Nobody ever insists on knowing where the
vice president is.”

            Except us.

            Slaughter’s Republican challenger,
Henry Wojtaszek, must be in constant contact with Cheney as he tries to bolster
the Elephant Party’s power in the House, right? But when we asked him where
Cheney was, he said, “Probably brokering a stock deal with Barbra Streisand or
holed up in a mountain.” (It was recently reported that Streisand, a vocal
critic of the current administration, bought and sold stock in Halliburton
while Cheney was the petroleum giant’s CEO.)

            “Maybe he’s out in the [Middle
Eastern] oil fields that he helped to rebuild, helping them figure out where
the bombs should fall so it doesn’t disrupt too much of his firm’s work,”
guessed Stephanie Aldersley, the Democratic contender for James Walsh’s
District 25 seat.

            “I know he’s not pumpin’ gas in
suburban Washington, that’s for sure,” said Green Party candidate Paul Fallon
during the DC sniper terror. “I think he’s probably in Air Force One, running
everything. He’s keeping an eye on Georgie Boy to make sure he doesn’t screw
up.”

            We can only hope he’s right.

This article appears in Oct 30 – Nov 5, 2002.