In
light of Florida 2000, and given how close this year’s presidential race is,
the Monroe County Board of Elections isn’t taking any chances. Instead of
training a third of its 2,300 election inspectors, as it normally would during
an election year, it’s training everyone. Last week I took the election
inspector class with 100 other poll workers. During the two-hour PowerPoint
presentation, as we learned about all the things that can go wrong, the room
grew tense. Or maybe it was just me. Luckily, I still have the instruction
manual.
•
You and three other election inspectors are scheduled to arrive at the polling
place at 5:30 a.m. Remind voters who arrive early that the polls open at 6 a.m.
A
note about opening the polls: Sometimes inspectors oversleep, so set your
alarm. It takes a minimum of two inspectors — one from each party — to open
a polling place because we, along with the electorate, just don’t trust you
people.
•
One inspector will have the supply bag. Take out the Number 2 and Number 3
keys, and proceed to open the voting booth. There is no Number 1 key.
A
note about the supply bag: If you’re bringing the supply bag, set two alarms.
If you don’t show up, the other inspectors can’t open the polling place. When
this happens, they’ll have to face a line of voters who haven’t had their
coffee yet and are already convinced someone is going to try to prevent them
from voting.
•
The Number 3 key opens the front and back of the voting booth. Open the back
and verify that all dials are at zero. Check the dateline on the big roll of
paper that records write-in votes.
A
note about the Number 3 key: It often gets stuck in the back of the voting
booth. Don’t be impatient. Ignore the voters’ acerbic comments. Don’t force the
key or it will break. When the Number 3 key breaks, the voting machine cannot
be turned on. If this happens, the voters may become unruly. Smile
apologetically as you link arms with the other inspectors and back away from
the crowd.
•
Work with your fellow inspectors to complete the following tasks: open the
front of the booth using the Number 3 key, snap the curtains inside it, post
the Vote Here signs, place the Poll Book on the table, and activate the voting
machine using the Number 2 key. No, there’s never been a Number 1 key.
A
note about election inspectors: You are expected to get along together,
regardless of party affiliation. Tensions will mount during your 16-hour shift,
especially since you’re using a Lincoln Administration-era voting machine with
no replacement parts and you’re being overrun by suspicious voters and
righteous lawyers who are just waiting for you to screw up. Cooperate with the
other inspectors. Do not shout, throw furniture, or call each other names like
Satanic France-Sucking Socialist and Greedy America-Raping Warmonger.
•
Let the first voter approach the table. Ask for her name and look it up in the
Poll Book.
A
note about the Poll Book: The Board of Elections was inundated with
registrations this year, and it may have made errors recording them. If you
can’t find the voter’s name in the Poll Book, try to calm her. Search for other
possible spellings. If you still can’t find it, search for silly names like
Mickey Mouse and P. Diddy; maybe the voter will lose interest and walk away. If
she doesn’t, offer her an Affidavit Ballot. The Affidavit Ballot is a special
paper ballot which, as you and she both well know, may or may not be counted at
the end of the day depending on how tired and pissed off everyone is. Then duck
under the table and crawl to the emergency exit.
•
While voters are waiting to vote, maintain crowd control. Place chairs along
the line for tired and elderly voters. And forget about the Number 1 key —
there isn’t one! Move on!
A
note about crowds: Monroe County has 425,000 voters registered. If even 50
percent of them vote, 212,500 people will arrive at your polling place at
exactly the same moment. Be prepared. Frustrated new voters might hurl
themselves to the ground. Seasoned voters might incite a riot. A handful of
confused citizens might think they’re waiting for something important like flu
shots. At the first sign of trouble, remove the chairs before they become
projectiles.
•
When the polls close at 9 p.m., you must allow voters already standing in line
to vote. Politely but firmly tell voters who arrive after 9 p.m. that the polls
are closed.
A
note about tardy voters: They will whine, accuse you of denying them their
rights, and try to bribe you with things in their briefcases. If they offer
anything less than a bundle of $20s, the newest iPod (it’s time to start
thinking about Christmas presents), or a handgun, indulge in making a crude
gesture involving at least one body part. You’ve earned it.
•
After the last voter leaves, turn off the voting machine with the Number 2 key
and lock it up with the Number 3 key.
A
note about the election: It’s rigged. You knew that, didn’t you? So was the
2000 election, but we were just beginners back then. Ah, youth. This year we’ve
got it nailed, thanks to you. By creating a realistic voting experience, you
kept voters from noticing that the Number 1 key — needed to actually count
the votes — is missing from its special slot in the voting machine. Now just
tear up the roll of paper with the write-in votes, toss the Affidavit Ballots
into the trash, and hit the lights on your way out. Your paycheck will arrive
within two weeks.
This article appears in Oct 27 – Nov 2, 2004.
