Spring
arrived and as our thoughts turned to the birds and the bees, a new book came
out and rained on my parade. The book claims female orgasms do not play a role
in evolution because a woman can get pregnant without having one. (Male
orgasms, of course, are directly tied to reproduction.) Dr. Elisabeth A. Lloyd,
a professor at Indiana University, argues in her book The Case of the Female Orgasm that the wiring for orgasms in women
is merely vestigial, left over from the embryonic phase of development, like
nipples in men.

Lloyd
arrived at this conclusion after examining and rejecting more than two dozen
studies supporting the female-orgasms-are-evolutionary theory. One study she
refutes stated orgasms help women pick fit, healthy males to mate with. Another
argues women get off more with men who have symmetrical features. Which
features, exactly?

I don’t know where to
start. First of all, I wasn’t aware someone was studying female orgasms. Where
was this happening and why wasn’t I told? Rochester is Medical Study Land;
newspaper ads constantly seek subjects for a variety of medical studies. Dry
eye. Sleep disorders. Strep throat. Even herpes. But where are the ads for female
orgasm subjects?

Now,
don’t get me wrong. I’m happy in my marriage. But my husband is a man of
science and I think even he would see the benefit to society in my
participation. I could make a small sacrifice in the name of science, say, by
enrolling in that one study measuring orgasms in women sleeping with new male
partners. And yeah, sure, if there’s ever a study of male orgasms — as if —
my husband is free to participate.

Of
course, there’s not likely to be a male orgasm study — what’s to study?
There’s not a lot of mystery there. The sad fact is, as Kinsey told us, women
don’t achieve orgasms at anywhere near the same rate as men. Some 5-to-10
percent of women don’t ever have them, and the majority of women have orgasms
only some or most of the time. It’s this infrequency that Lloyd feels supports
her hypothesis that they’re not crucial to evolution. Quoted in a New York Times article, she said the
female orgasm “is for fun.”

You
got that right, sister. But the reason women aren’t getting off enough has
nothing to do with embryonic this and vestigial that. Just look at the news.

Women
are under siege. Despite all the gains we’ve supposedly made since the early
’70s, women continue to earn less than men doing the same work and still
shoulder the majority of household tasks. Folding laundry and correcting
homework don’t exactly make for great foreplay.

A
recent study of at-home mothers reveals that if they were paid for the zillion
things they do in their 100-hour work week, they’d earn $131,000 a year. Hard
not to be turned off when you realize he’s getting the cow and the milk — and
the childcare and the laundry and the household management — for free.

If
being underappreciated is a turn-off, imagine how women who’ve dedicated their
lives to the military felt when they got a double diss last month. Congress
considered legislation that would further reduce women’s roles in the military,
curtailing opportunities for advancement. Way to buck up the troops.

The
second slap in the face came when, despite rising sexual-assault rates in the
military, House Republicans barred a vote that would have improved medical
services for military women who are victims of rape or incest. We’ll let you
die for us, the ideologues say, but you’re on your own if you’re victimized.

Lloyd’s
hypothesis raises some darker issues. If the female orgasm is just a
biological leftover, like the appendix or pinky toe, does that mean it’s
phasing out? Will our daughters’ daughters have even fewer orgasms and then,
some bleak day in the distant future, none at all?

Well,
I’m not going to stand for that, girls. Are you? I’m no sex biologist (but if
you happen to know one in need of subjects, give a holler), however I’ll bet
through diligence and hard work we can keep orgasms from fading out of the
species. Let’s take matters into our own hands, if you’ll pardon the
expression, and exercise our right to experience the Big O. If practice makes
perfect, maybe practice can make permanent.

I
know most of you don’t need any encouragement. Women are driving the boom in
sales of sex toys — through home parties and the Internet — and explicit
sex manuals (now available in bookstores everywhere). As awareness increases
that some women need a little help having orgasms, women are less shy about
asking for what they need. Shows like Sex
and the City, Real Sex, and even Dr. Phil make achieving the sublime seem
almost mundane; it’s OK to admit that sometimes it takes more than just a
symmetrical man to get you off.

So,
ladies, start your engines. With or without your partner, grab your
bunny-shaped vibrator, remote-control dolphin, and Eroscillator (with its five
Flabbergasmic attachments!) and get busy. Ignore that occasional Mr. Potato
Head feeling — all those oddly shaped items sticking into you — and go for
the orgasm you deserve. Through your selfless efforts, Rochester will continue
to shine as a place where women make a difference.

This article appears in Jun 15-21, 2005.