The Mommy Crap
Although the media keeps
hammering away at the idea — and some may enjoy imagining a catfight —
there aren’t any Mommy Wars. Sorry to disappoint you. The news from the
reproductive front is that there are no bonbon-flinging, manicured,
stay-at-home mothers screeching “neglectful bitch” at briefcase-wielding full-time
working mothers who are, in turn, slashing soccer moms’ minivan tires.
The term Mommy Wars, coined
in the 80’s, has resurfaced once again, this time as the unfortunate title of a
book of thoughtful essays about the challenges of motherhood. Even the author of
the book, Leslie Morgan Steiner, admitted recently in Salon.com that the title
was chosen for the punch it packs rather than as a reflection of the book’s
contents.
If there is a mommy war
anywhere, it is inside each one of us. Though I’ve heard very few snide
comments from either side of the so-called Mommy Wars, I’ve heard enough mothers
beating themselves up about the choices they’ve made to launch a thousand
therapy practices.
Mothers typically have so
much internal conflict that discussions about the topic are often sotto voce. Heads tipped toward each
other over a stolen moment at a coffee shop, they look like terrorists furtively
plotting the next move.
“I’d rather be at work than
at home. Am I a bad mother?” You may hear a full-time working mother whisper
furtively.
“I want a job,” some at-home
mothers confess. “The kids are older now, and it’s time I get my life back!”
Or: “I actually love being
at home. I used to have a big job, but now I’m happy. Is there something wrong
with me?”
Society’s bizarre mythification of motherhood doesn’t make it any easier to take care
of your kids and get your work done. The phrase Mommy Wars is just the tip of
the iceberg. The newest moniker, Mommy Party, is not, as I had hoped, an event
at a Plato’s Retreat kind of place where dozens of scantily clad young men —
and, okay, throw in a few young women, too, since it’s just a fantasy — serve
at the pleasure of mothers.
Mommy Party is a term used
to sum up a small trend among Democratic women who are fed up with the status
quo and are running in the midterm elections. Weirdly, this denigrating term
invokes a kind of socially responsible slate of issues that any civilized
society should embrace. How did we get to the point where violence, health
care, and the environment are topics relegated only to women with reproductive
capabilities?
It’s not just cutesy phrases
using “Mommy” as the operative word that obfuscate the real issues surrounding
parenthood. (And God help me, don’t get me started on the updated MILF term
“Yummy Mommy.” This Americanization of the British “Yummy Mummy” denotes a
mother who is — gasp! — actually attractive.) Also annoying are the reams
of studies that show conflicting data about women’s work habits and the media’s
inevitably shrill response.
For example, the study
finds: more mothers are staying home than ever. The media trumpets: a return to
the oppressive 1950’s! The study finds: more women are returning to work than
ever. The media barks: babies left by the side of the road!
My favorites are the
perennial studies posing the question: how much time do men spend helping at
home? Any child, dirty pair of socks, or houseplant can tell you the answer to
this. Those university grants would be better diverted from stupid studies and
divvied up among researchers with children to pay for housekeepers and
take-out.
Recently I heard an analysis
of work/life trends among female workers that actually rings true. After four
decades of growth of women entering the workforce — hitting its peak of 77
percent in 2000 — the rate seems to have hit a plateau, a recent New York
Times article reports. In part, this may be due to a slowdown in hiring
nationally and the falling off of women’s wages during the past five years.
But significantly,
researchers say, it seems that women may have hit the limit in terms of the
time that they can squeeze out of the day. Suzanne Bianchi, a sociologist at
the University of Maryland quoted in the NYT, says for decades women have been paring down their
household tasks with time-saving devices, ingenuity, and, yes, even a bit of
help from hubby.
There’s only so much
compressing, though, before something has to give. What’ll it be? Day care
drop-off and pick-up? Housework? Doctor’s visits? Taking care of elderly
parents or a special-needs child? Commuting? Or the freakin’ endless round of
sports, music, and religion carpools?
Some working women steal
precious sleep hours to get it all done: full-time working mothers get 3.6
fewer hours of sleep a week than mothers who don’t work full time. This crunch
explains why, though not working now, a lot of mothers express the desire to
return to work but can’t manage to do so.
No wonder so many mothers are at war with themselves. Because there are no easy answers,
nearly every solution comes at a price: guilt, exhaustion, worry. Even moments
of pleasure are examined — is it okay to put my job before my family? Am I
weird for enjoying being a stay-at-home mom?
You
can be sure most working dads and at-home dads don’t beat themselves up about
the choices they’ve made. This raises key questions. Why do mothers feel
ambivalent? What’s the deal with all the self-reproach? And, most importantly, where
can I find that rockin’ Mommy Party I’ve heard so much about?
This article appears in Apr 12-18, 2006.
