I am always doing that
which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. — Pablo
Picasso
I am a father. That means I am a failure coach, teaching
mostly by example.
Way back before my kids knew I was an idiot, I invested a
great deal of time and energy maintaining an aura of infallibility. Now that
they’ve had a peek behind the curtain, I find myself with hours a day to
stumble openly over shortcomings or rummage the rubble of this or that newly
collapsed folly. It is good not to play God. My kids and I learn more this way.
The dearest wisdom is often won through the deepest
foolishness. Having encouraged my children to live at the edge of their
abilities, I fully expect them to routinely fail. I try not to be embarrassed
or overcompensate when they do. Still, I am a dad, and I hurt when they hurt.
It is so hard to separate their suffering from mine.
It is good to focus on successes and speak of “areas for
development” rather than “things you look really stupid futilely trying to
accomplish.” A positive attitude really does go a long way. But failure is a
necessary part of life. It does a child no good to say how well her cleats
stayed tied when she scored the own-goal that lost the game. Get down there in
the emotional muck and mire with her and affirm that harsh self-appraisal. Help
your children get used to dealing with failure and soon they will no longer
fear it. Only then will they be equipped to go out and challenge the world.
This article appears in Aug 30 – Sep 5, 2006.
