The pressure to be an ideal
parent is enormous. We read the parenting books and magazines and observe
critically, taking mental notes as others raise their kids. We cannot help
imagining that our children will inherit our failings and that their tantrums
now will lead to a future life of crime. It’s not that we don’t know how to
ignore the small stuff; it’s that we’re too close. With our kids, all the small
stuff seems big.
Wouldn’t it be great if we
could know that they’ll turn out all right? Then we could relax our parenting
posture, lose some of that incessant worry, and simply express faith in their
abilities and strengths. After all, their strength is the big stuff. Unfortunately
we can’t know. Wait! What would happen if we just acted like they’ll be OK? Could we just enjoy their frustrations
and misbehavior, knowing that they are growing and learning in their own way?
If we magically found that balance between vigilance and faith, we would surely
be more poised and less reactive.
A mother and father were in
my pediatric office the other day with their two youngest daughters. The older
of the two has a difficult, profound, and unexplained developmental disability.
They know that she is not going to be OK. We were concerned that her baby
sister may be developing similar traits. At this 1-year-old visit, the baby
showed so much physical, social, and language ability that we were all
completely reassured. As she had a tantrum in the office, her mother, with
relief and pride, exclaimed, “Thank God she’s annoying!” Yet
another gift in a small package.
This article appears in Sep 13-19, 2006.
