Hi, boys and
girls! Do you know what time it is? That’s right — it’s Summer Movie Preview
time! And we totally love summer movies, what with all the car chases, naked
chicks, gore galore, bells, whistles, and other shiny stuff! Plus there’s
popcorn! And candy! And cupholders! How lucky we are!
I’m sorry.
You’re probably wondering why I sound so condescending. That’s because
Hollywood believes that when the mercury rises, our IQs take a nosedive. How
else to explain the uneagerly awaited Deuce
Bigalow: European Gigolo?
Don’t tell the
movie industry, but I don’t think we’re that stupid (except for a couple of you
— you know who you are). I’d hate to incur Tinseltown’s wrath, however, so
I’ve decided to try to bamboozle them with this year’s setup. On the surface it
looks like your basic alphabet lesson, but hidden within are films for those of
us who are more smartish.
(Shhh! I know!
It’s all part of the illusion… )
A is for The Aristocrats
If you watched
Comedy Central at all in the ’90s, you probably saw standup Paul Provenza
occasionally and wondered how he kept his family fed. But now he’s directed
this side-splitting documentary which features 101 comedians — including
George Carlin, Sarah Silverman, and Gilbert Gottfried — each putting their
own unbelievably foul-mouthed spin on one notorious joke. (July 29)
B is for Bad News Bears
Richard
Linklater follows up last summer’s swoony gabfest Before Sunset with this remake of the 1976 Walter Matthau comedy
about a group of ragtag ballplayers and their uncouth coach, this time played
by Billy Bob Thornton. But I will refrain from pointing out that Linklater’s School of Rock is basically the same
movie, only with guitars. I’m just that disciplined. (July 22)
C is for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Every time I cop
to never having seen 1971’s Willy Wonka
and the Chocolate Factory I catch oodles of hell. I’ll try not to miss Tim
Burton’s spin on the Roald Dahl classic, but Johnny Depp looks awfully creepy
in the trailers. Charlie also
features Depp’s Finding Neverland co-star Freddie Highmore, Helena Bonham Carter, and Christopher Lee. (July 15)
D is for Dark Water
Brazil’s Walter
Salles already has an Oscar (for Central
Station), and after the success of The
Motorcycle Diaries, he goes Hollywood with this Western version of Hideo
Nakata’s (Ringu) hit Japanese horror
flick about a really soggy apartment building… which doesn’t sound all that
frightening. But Tim Roth is in it, and that’s reason enough to empty your
wallet. (July 8)
E is for Everything is Illuminated
The critically
acclaimed novel by Jonathan Safran Foer is brought to the big screen by
actor-turned-director Liev Schreiber. It stars Elijah Wood as a young
Jewish-American on a quest to find the Ukrainian woman who rescued his
grandfather during World War II. (August 12)
F is for Four Brothers
John Singleton’s
career resurgence continues (hopefully) with this crime drama about four men
(including Mark Wahlberg and Andre 3000… I mean Benjamin) who return to Detroit
for the funeral of their foster mother, only to find that her untimely death is
shrouded in mystery. (August 12)
G is for Gilliam
Monty Python
alum Terry Gilliam’s latest film is The
Brothers Grimm, which stars Matt Damon and Heath Ledger as titular brothers
Jake and Will, whose investigation into a haunted forest leads to adventures
involving an evil queen (the luscious Monica Bellucci) that echo the fables for
which the siblings would go on to become renowned. (August 26)
H is for Hustle & Flow
They shelled out
$9 million out for the distribution rights to this Sundance Audience Award
winner about an unsuccessful Memphis pimp (Terrence Howard, Ray) in the throes of a midlife crisis
who takes a stab at the rap game. (July 15)
I is for The Island
If you thought
Bruckheimer-Bay was an unholy alliance, try Spielberg-Bay. E.T.‘s dad produced Mr. Pearl
Harbor‘s summer submission about futuristic clones that must… um… the plot
sounds kind of confusing. But maybe something will explode! (July 22)
J is for Jim Jarmusch
The King of Kool
was recently honored at (please forgive me) Kannes for Broken Flowers, which stars Bill Murray as an aging Lothario whose
newfound 20-year-old son prompts him to hit the road in search of the kid’s
mom. Possible suspects include Jessica Lange, Sharon Stone and Six Feet Under‘s Frances Conroy. (August
5)
K is for Keira Knightley
England’s
hottest It Girl has a couple of flicks coming out this summer, including one in
which she plays a real-life bounty hunter (!), and I continue to be puzzled by
the fact that she’s an above-the-title star.
L is for Last Days
The end of Kurt
Cobain’s life gets the fictionalized treatment in Gus Van Sant’s latest. The
juicy-lipped Michael Pitt (The Dreamers)
plays the doomed rock star and shares the screen with people as diverse as
Harmony Korine, Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon, and the combustible Asia Argento.
(July 22)
M is for Murderball
The title of the Documentary Audience Award winner at
Sundance 2005 is the cute little nickname for quad rugby, a brutal sport played
by paralyzed guys in tricked-out wheelchairs. The film looks at the lives of
these dedicated athletes on and off the field of battle. (July 8)
N is for 9 Songs
The Guardian has called the new film from chameleon
Michael Winterbottom (24 Hour Party
People) “the most sexually explicit film in the history of British cinema.”
A yearlong fling is intercut with nine songs performed from each of the
concerts the couple attends, such as Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The Dandy
Warhols, and Franz Ferdinand. (July 22)
O is for Ozon
François Ozon (Swimming Pool) cements his reputation as
one of France’s most important and interesting filmmakers with 5×2, a kind of Eternal Sunshine-meets-Memento look at five scenes chronicling the unraveling of a marriage in reverse. (June
10)
P is for Penguins
Morgan Freeman narrates potential sleeper hit March of the Penguins, which was filmed
in Antarctica over the course of 13 months and follows the exploits of a group
of emperor penguins as they raise their furry babies in a place where they’re
the only existing life-form… well, them and a pesky film crew, who wore
tuxedoes to blend in. Maybe. (June 24)
Q is for Quizno’s
I really don’t
like the idea of a toasted sub. I worry that the heat would eventually make the
bread tough and the toppings mushy. Is the toasting mandatory? I’ve never
actually eaten there. And there is nothing movie-related this summer that
starts with the letter Q, which you have likely figured out by this point.
R is for Romance & Cigarettes
John Turturro
wrote and directed this story about a cheating husband forced to choose between
his wife and his mistress. The massive cast is led by James Gandolfini, Susan
Sarandon, Kate Winslet, and Steve Buscemi. Did I mention that it’s a musical?
(August 19)
S is for Saraband
Ingmar Bergman
one-ups Linklater with what he claims to be his final film. It’s a sequel to
his 1974 Scenes from a Marriage, in
which Liv Ullmann and Erland Josephson reprise their roles 30 years later as
the now-divorced couple. (July 8)
T is for Touch the Sound
Documentary
filmmaker Thomas Riedelsheimer (Rivers
and Tides) turns his lens on a year in the life of Evelyn Glennie, a woman
who lost most of her hearing around the age of 8 yet went on to become a famous
solo percussionist. (August 19)
U is for An Unfinished Life
Finally,
Jennifer Lopez and Robert Redford together in a movie about… oh, who cares. I’m
just going to sit here and reminisce about the once-upon-a-time when director
Lasse Hallström made interesting films instead of treacly Miramax Oscar bait.
(September 9)
V is for Valiant
This is a Disney
cartoon… I mean animated feature film about a runty bird who dreams of joining
an elite squad of homing pigeons and doing battle with Nazi falcons during
World War II. Features the voices of Ewan McGregor, Tim Curry, and The Office‘s Ricky Gervais. (August 19)
W is for War of the Worlds
Tom Cruise,
Dakota Fanning, and Tim Robbins modernizing H.G. Wells for Steven Spielberg. I
just thought they could use a little publicity. (June 29)
X is for X-rated movies
They’re out
there. Go see ’em if you want to — I don’t mind. Neither does Spielberg.
Y is for Yes
Joan Allen stars
as an American scientist who embarks on a passionate affair with a Lebanese
cook, despite already being married to a British politician (Sam Neill).
Overrated arthouse darling Sally Potter (Orlando)
directs, but I remain optimistic. (June 24)
Z is for Zhang ZiyiÂ
The seemingly
ubiquitous Asian stunner has two movies unspooling this summer. She plays a
prostitute in 2046 (August 12), Wong
Kar-wai’s long-awaited (by me, at least) follow-up/sequel to In the Mood For Love, and straps on the
wires for Zu Warriors (August 19),
yet another martial arts adventure that I will probably adore.
Release dates
are never carved in stone, kids, so don’t demolish your piggybanks just yet!
This article appears in Jun 15-21, 2005.
