“American Idol” 2013 Finale: And the winner is…

And finally, the finale. The show opened with the Top 10 all dressed in white, lipsynching to “Glad You Came” by The Wanted. I honestly barely remembered that Devin
and Paul existed. And Curtis Finch Jr. is seriously the worst lip syncher. It’s just so weird that this is a singing competition,
and the finalists were paraded around lip synching in multiple cheesy “performance” numbers.

The rumor has it that the show will undergo a massive
overhauling next season, with everyone but Ryan Seacrest
gone, including several of the
producers. Something really does need to be done. I think this season ended up
being interesting — I mean, the Lazaro
arc and the all-female Final 5 were oddly compelling. And we certainly had a very talented Final 3/4. But the show
overall has become so stale and lame. There is literally nothing cool about
“Idol” anymore. The ratings are down something like 25 percent from last
season. It’s a mess.

Frankly, I’d even get rid of Seacrest.
He’s toned down his more obnoxious qualities this season, I’ll grant you, but
he’s on autopilot. As evidenced when he tried to do a little banter with
our finalists, Kree Harrison and Candice Glover. He
lobbed a few softballs at them, but neither girl was taking the bait and the
whole thing felt forced and uncomfortable. Candice and Kree
were likely done with jumping through hoops, but that falls on Ryan for letting that
segment just die on the vine.

The first performance of the night came from The Band Perry,
which came out for a high-energy number that I quite liked. They
were eventually joined by Janelle Arthur, who is a much better fit for this
band’s music than fellow country contestant Kree.
This bordered on rock and, at one point, jazzercise. It was over the top and
ridiculous but I dug it. Janelle got completely lost both in terms of the performance
and the vocal.

And then a package on the “conspiracy” about how all the
guys all went home first this year. This is a theory that was actually floated,
seriously, by Lazaro after his ouster. So I actually
think it was pretty smart of the show to take advantage of it by doing this bit
where the girls sabotaged the guys one by one. So, Kree
convinced Curtis to wear his terrible jacket, and Janelle was the reason Lazaro sang offkey. The
“mastermind” ended up being the last female winner of this show, Jordin Sparks, who got in a couple good shots: the guys
were easy to take out since none of them played guitar, and “Idol” castoffs have
been doing well on “The Voice.” That was a surprisingly self-effacing segment
for “Idol.”

The boys came out to sing Four Seasons medley, which again
appeared to be prerecorded. Frankie Valli joined them, singing quite well for a guy who is nearly 80. And seriously, if
you want an indication of the current demographic of this show, there you go.
This segment went on seemingly forever. Like, the entire song “Grease is the
Word” was performed. Of all the Four Seasons songs, you sing THAT in its
entirety?

And then, confusion: Mariah Carey appeared on the stage. But
at first I thought it was clips from a previous performance. Because the whole
thing was crazy disjointed, the background kept shifting, and she kept doing
fast-forwarded bits of her various hit songs. Except, that WAS her performance. But I think Mariah was lipsynching, too. The lips sure as hell did not seem to be
lining up with the lyrics. And yet, the mic was
obviously live, and she fiddled with her ear monitor toward the end. I don’t
know. Regardless, she looked incredibly uncomfortable. I don’t understand. Say
whatever else you want, but Mariah is a freaking legend. She should not in any
way feel nervous about singing on “American Idol.” She ended the set with her
new song, “#beautiful.” (Yes, the hashtag is part of
the title.) I really dig that track. But the segment as a whole felt very weird to me, much like Mariah’s tenure on this judging panel. No T, no shade,
but I hope Mariah does not return next season. I cannot imagine that she will.

This show’s baffling fixation on Emeli Sande continued with Amber Holcomb singing “Next
to Me” along with Sande herself. We seriously just
heard Candice sing this song last week. Frankly neither Amber nor Emeli came off well here. Compared to The Band Perry
performance earlier it seemed sloppy and poorly rehearsed, and very light on
content. They even had a full back-up choir which
seemed to be there solely for “woo-hoo.” I couldn’t
understand a goddamned word Amber was singing, and that’s not usually a problem
with her. After the number petered to an end Ryan announced that Emeli’s album is out now. Someone involved with this show
HAS to be financially involved with this girl. I am more convinced than ever.

And then…PSY?! What? Did I fall
into a timewarp and arrive back in October 2012? PSY
performed his new song, “Gentlemen,” which is basically the exact same song as
his first one. And while watching his performance I realized that he is essentially
the 21st century version of Robert Palmer, but minus any musical
ability whatsoever. The whole thing was so tacky and already felt outdated.
PSY was a novelty act half a year ago. You do not trot out a novelty act after
it is no longer a novelty. This show is so done it has become a parody of
itself.

Not wanting to be left out, judge Keith Urban then took the
stage. I think Keith performed on this show no less than a month ago. (Sidebar: did Nicki Minaj perform on the show even ONCE this season?) At least
he actually appeared to be singing live. What a concept! I really came around
on Keith over the course of the season. I thought he was terrible during the
initial auditions, but once we got to the Top 10 he became one of only two
members of the panel (the other being Nicki) who regularly had anything of worth to contribute. I
wouldn’t be upset if he came back next season, but I think the show needs to
clean house completely.

And then finally, almost an hour into the show, we got a
performance from one of the two people still in the competition, as Candice
sang “Inseperable.” I typically hate it when the
judges mention the contestants’ clothes and styling, but why is Candice
always dressed so casually? This is the finale. I want glamour! Anyway, Candice was joined by S3 contestant Jennifer Hudson, still looking
great. The two of them were fantastic on this song, although they had
zero chemistry. When they hit the key change I totally did the gay finger wag
from my couch. And I loved the quieter moments toward the end. That was lovely.
Almost made up for PSY.

Then third-place finisher Angie Miller took on “Titanium” at
the piano, along with S8 runner-up Adam Lambert. These two sounded terrific
together with some lovely harmonies. Weirdly, Angie kind of outsang
Lambert on this, and I was not expecting that at all. It was all a bit
melodramatic, but, well…look who we’re working with
here.

And then, Jessie J! I love her. She is apparently bald now?
That was new. She sang “Domino” along with Angie (so that’s two duets for Angie
thus far, and she’s not even a finalist; wonder who the show wanted to make it
to tonight?). Anyway, I loved this. I love the song to begin with, I really dig
Jessie, and they were both having a ton of fun up on the stage. It did kind of
devolve into a drunken karaoke night, but I don’t even care. I enjoyed myself.
Personally I would love to see Jessie on the judging panel of this show — she’s
on “The Voice” in the UK. And then there was an interesting bit, where we found
out Angie had to give up singing her single on the show in order for Jessie to
perform. So Jessie asked Angie to fly to England to sing the song in concert
with her, put it on YouTube, etc. Again: is anyone getting the feeling that
Angie is kind of coming out the winner tonight, despite being eliminated last
week?

After the break, we got a segment on the judges and a vague reference to the media
scrutiny of the Mariah/Nicki dynamic that was ultimately pointless. Mariah was parodied for her super-tight skirts, her “dahlings,” and her general inability to speak actual words.
Did you know that Keith likes to wear t-shirts? Lord… Randy Jackson was called
out for being obnoxious and totally repetitive and nonsensical. Yeah, we got
that memo 10 seasons ago. Nicki Minaj’s
wigs, nasal tone, and her no-holds-barred comments were brought up. All true,
and all reasons that I loved Nicki. I’m sad to hear
she will likely NOT be back.

Then Kree finally got to come out
to sing a song with Keith Urban backing her on guitar and Randy Jackson on
bass. I guess it was called “Where the Blacktop Ends”? After the past few
performances we really got a sense of how weak Kree’s
vocals are compared to Angie and Candice. I do like Kree,
and I think she’s very marketable, but that was not a particularly good vocal,
and it surely wasn’t strong — she was getting overplayed by
Keith’s guitar and even the drums.

BLESSINGS: a farewell salute to Randy Jackson. That means
it’s officially over. It has been far too long. Goodbye, Randy. Now…how can we
miss you when you won’t go away?

And then Aretha Franklin! Yes, hunties!
Coming in to us via satellite from New York. She sang with the Top 5 girls on a
medley led by “Natural Woman” and “Respect.” Aretha can still sing (but again: a clear sign of this show’s primary
demographic). The “Idol” girls were almost totally lost in this segment — the
camera kept cutting back to the studio where ReRe was
performing back in New York. But can Nicki Minaj please give Aretha a call and give her some tips for
her wig game? Because that thing on her head was not becoming
of the Queen of Soul. Aretha deserves better!

So auditions for Season 13 start in July. That means we
should be finding out about the new judging panel in the very near future, no?

The season recap gave us a few precious, beautiful moments
of our goddess Zoanette. I still treasure her.

And then freaking Jennifer Lopez, with Pitbull
performing her new single, “Live It Up.” We cannot escape the Jennifer Lopez
self-promotion machine. Dear Pitbull: find pants with
better lining, because I could see your underpants. On a related note, call me.
There was a weird goddess/Olympic-ring thing going on here. I like several of
Lopez’s recent dance hits, but this was crap. And the performance went on
forever. Do you think Pitbull was lipsynching
there? The mic was so close to his mouth, and we
never saw his lips moving. That’s like the absolute nadir of performing. You
can’t even stand on stage and speak live.

At 9:58 p.m. the Final 2 took the stage. I assumed it was to
announce the winner, but no, it was to sing a sad duet about men (oh, show…). On the plus side, Candice looked STUNNING. And they both
sounded really good.

Finally, at 10:01 p.m. the results were handed over. I was a bit
torn here. Candice is clearly the superior singer. But Kree
is the one likely to benefit the most from winning this show — country is super marketable. But my gut and my heart was
with Candice.

And the winner of “American Idol” Season 12 is: CANDICE
GLOVER! Yay, Candice! I really think she’s a gifted
vocalist and has performed astonishingly well over the course of this season. I
expect that Kree will end up having a significant
career in country music, and I would put money on Angie Miller breaking through
into the mainstream as well. I worry about Candice’s post-show career, especially since
I don’t think her coronation single is particularly strong. But I believe in
her, and I want only the best for her. Go Candice!

This article appears in May 15-21, 2013.