“American Idol” 2014: Top 13 Perform

Ohhhhhhhhh, dear…

I went into Wednesday night’s performance episode debating
whether or not to bother with this season of “Idol.” On the “pro” side, I like
the judging panel. I liked most of the talent I was seeing before I took a few
weeks off to watch the Olympics. And the line-up for the Top 13 that emerged
last week was surprisingly different from what I was expecting.

On the “con” side, I am burned out on this show, and I was
already seeing some really disheartening producer-driven hijinks
going down during Hollywood Week. And I would LOVE to have three-plus hours of
my life back every week.

So I had decided that I was going to check out the talent
and let that be the deciding vote. After all, this is what host Ryan Seacrest himself referred to as an “epic talent show.”
Without the talent, what do we have?

Apparently what we have is a lot of flashy production values
and quick cuts, a largely mediocre group of singers, and a completely useless
panel of judges. Oh, and Randy Jackson. We still have Randy Jackson. And like
four or five legitimately good singers. Basically it felt less like “Idol” and
more like the American version of “X Factor.” And absolutely NOBODY wants that.

The theme for the week was “This is Me,”
which was broad enough to give the singers flexibility in song choice, but
didn’t provide much of an actual framework. Some of the contestants picked
songs that said something about themselves, or their styles, or their journeys.
Others just picked songs they liked.

There are a bunch of “improvements” this year. Fancy new stage.New ways to vote (I
suspect they’re desperate to make the voting as easy as possible, because those
numbers have to be WAY down). The contestants now sit in an area on
stage watching the others perform, which seems awkward and probably hurts their
own preparation. There’s lots of split-screen work during performances, largely
to poor effect. This was especially true during “mentor” Randy Jackson’s
introductions, in which he was virtually impossible to hear over the mindless
shrieking of the audience. But I am still confident in my assertion that he
said absolutely nothing of value. (Come back, Jimmy Iovine.
All is forgiven.)

Anyway, here is how the Top 13 stacked up in my book:

Dexter Roberts did an upbeat country song I did not recognize. He seemed nervous at first and
a little uncomfortable on the stage — there was a LOT going on around him, so I
suspect some of that might have been sensory overload. It got better as it went
along, but it was far from his best performance. The pitch was very
problematic. Keith Urban said it was a solid cover, but Dexter’s challenge is
going to be finding a way to make a song his own. Harry Connick
Jr. encouraged Dexter to get rid of his ear monitor, because he wasn’t singing
completely in tune. Jennifer Lopez also encouraged Dexter to pick songs with a
higher range, so that he can hit his “sweet spot.” The judges were kind to
Dexter.

Malaya Watson picked “Runaway Baby” by Bruno Mars, which was disastrous. I like Malaya — I
really like her. This was awkward karaoke. It was shouty
and out of breath, and did not showcase any of her
wonderful vocal qualities. She had terrific energy, but nothing else was good.
Nothing. Lopez said, “It wasn’t your best vocal performance.” That was WAY too
generous. Connick fumbled around for a while before
getting to her bad intonation and her nervousness. Urban basically told her that she needs to do
better. JUDGES. Come ON. That was in no way a Top 13 performance. That girl
should have been read to filth, 17 years old or not. It was nowhere NEAR what
she should have been delivering at this point in the competition.

Kristen O’Connor did “Beautiful Disaster” by Kelly Clarkson. I know this is sacrilege, but I
actually liked Kristen’s version better than Kelly’s. It had an 80’s power
ballad edge to it. She had some pitch issues, and she needs to work on her
presence. But she was easily the best vocal of the first three. Connick questioned the delivery of the song, and the
meaning, which Kristen said she changed to be about herself instead of a guy.
Eh. Urban liked that the song showed off her range. Lopez thought Kristen was
thinking too much and not going for the moment. Kristen kept interrupting the
judges during their comments. Kristen: do not do that. It is offputting.

Ben Briley did Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues,” and it
was fine. He got really into the performance, and even though he was shouting
for a good half of it, he still did so musically. Urban made the controversial
statement that he loves Johnny Cash — no shit, Keith. Thanks for that sterling
insight. He thought the tempo was too fast, and that Ben came awfully close to
kitsch in that performance. I agree. Connick thought
it was the best performance of the night at that point, and liked that Ben
picked an older song. I’m going to respond to that with a giant eyeroll, because it is hardly like “Folsom Prison Blues” is
some dusty gem that Ben unearthed from the vault. It is not obscure. It is
frankly pretty damned obvious.

C.J. Harris did
Darius Rucker’s “Radio.” He struggled through the verse but sounded much better
on the chorus, and he seemed to be having a good time on stage. I’m not sure
why he had his guitar with him, as he didn’t play it for the vast majority of
the song. C.J.’s voice sounds better when he doesn’t
push too hard; unfortunately, he pushes it pretty consistently. Lopez enjoyed
the upbeat tone most of the contestants were bringing to the show. I’ll agree
with that, I just wish the singing was better. Connick wanted C.J. to sing something that showcased the
more interesting parts of his voice. C.J. needs to learn how to speak
succinctly, because Ryan had to cut him off not once, but twice.

M.K. Nobillette did “Satisfaction” by…someone. Not the
Rolling Stones. This was almost painfully awkward. M.K. can clearly sing, but
she does not have anywhere close to the charisma or the commitment to pull off
that song. Urban, bless him, brought up the “deer in the headlights” thing,
which was the nicest way possible to say that M.K. looked petrified to be
singing that song, on that stage, on national television. Lopez called her
awesome and said she loved it. The judges were just full of fail tonight.

Majesty Rose picked “Tightrope” by Janelle Monae. A great song, but a tricky one for this show. She had a
rough start, some pitch problems, and she got weirdly quiet in parts. But she
was fully alive during the chorus and overall it was mostly good. (Mostly.) Urban
praised the song choice and wants Majesty to become more confident in herself. Lopez loves Majesty’s individual style and
approach, and called her “blessed.” I like Majesty, but I expected more from
her.

Jena Irene did
“The Scientist” by Coldplay. It was, for me, the first performance of the night
that felt worthy of an “Idol” finalist. Jena blew away every other contestant
who performed before her with a beautiful, powerful vocal, and I enjoyed that
very much. Connick asked her why Coldplay called the
song “The Scientist,” and Harry, that is why Wikipedia exists. Both Lopez and Urban
mentioned some pitch issues in the beginning, but said that once Jena committed
to it, it all worked out. I just want to point out that, based on the judges’
reactions to all the other contestants, you would think that Jena’s performance
was simply just as good as everyone else’s, instead of a quantum leap ahead of
all the others.

Alex Preston did
Jason Mraz’s “Beautiful Mess.” Alex has a beautiful
voice, and this quiet, simple presentation was exponentially more riveting than
90 percent of the relentless stagings that preceded
it. He had a few bum notes in there, but the vast majority of it sounded
spectacular. Connick thought it was “brave” to come
out and do something so stripped down, but he did not respond to the piece
emotionally. Connick was really showing his ass tonight,
folks. I like him a lot, but he was WAY off. Urban had an opposite reaction. But
to me, it was again a question of consistency. You’re going to give a tepid
response to Alex’s performance, but tell the earlier contestants how great they
did? Give me a break.

Jessica Meuse did
“The Crow and the Butterfly,” and she came out like an actual bonafied rock star. THANK YOU, JESSICA. The vocal was VERY
strong, and it had some great moments where she inflected some cool grit and
gravel on to it. Urban thought it was a bold song choice, and appreciated the
edge and the rasp to her voice. Lopez said that the power of Jessica’s voice
gave her “goosies.” Actually, that was true for me as
well. She encouraged Jessica to relax her body a bit, but called it “dope.” Pearls of wisdom. Pearls.

Emily Piriz sang Pink’s “Glitter in the Air.” The song was
way too low for her. The verse was strictly amateur hour, but the chorus
sounded good. Emily has a really corny delivery style — it’s very pageant. The
judges talked about how brave Emily was to sing that song, which is nice. But
NOBODY bothered to mention that she was barely getting through the first
quarter of the song, which scraped the bottom her
range. But hey, let’s be proud of her for picking a song, singing it exactly as
recorded, and performing roughly half of it well. Hugs for everybody!

Sam Woolf performed “Unwell” by Matchbox Twenty. This was fine, I guess. I couldn’t help
shake the feeling that Sam was trying to make some grand philosophical
statement…via a Matchbox Twenty song. And that’s just bad comedy. Connick thought the vocal was too “nice” to fit the song,
while Urban thought it was too slow. Lopez called Sam “a quiet storm” —
whatever that means — and wants Sam to come alive a little more on stage. Let’s
start with having him wake up, and then NOT PICKING SONGS BY MATCHBOX TWENTY.

Caleb Johnson did
a song I didn’t know by Rival Sons, but he did it well. Really
great rock vocal on a cool song. Caleb reminds me of a less-annoying,
more vocally talented Jack Black. I think he’s probably still super annoying,
though. But guy can sing. Urban loved the song and the band, and thought Caleb
performed well. But he warned Caleb that he has to find a way to not be such a
throwback. Yep, I suspect his shtick is going to get old in about three weeks.
The other judges raved about him.

Honestly, I cannot even predict who will be in trouble, much
less going home. The judges really failed not only these contestants, but
America as well, with the universal, “Everything is awesome” take. Connick was critical, but it was almost insanely applied —
he came for Alex but not for anyone in the first third of the evening? Are you
kidding me?

I am undecided on whether I’ll even bother to watch Thursday
night’s episode, or anything beyond that. I haven’t been this disinterested in
a crop of talent since Season 7. Based on tonight’s performances, Alex,
Jessica, Caleb, Jena, and Majesty are the only ones I care to hear from again. That
is a terrible ratio. And I’m not at all convinced that those contestants even
have legs in this competition. Sam will be there a long while, and I suspect
Dexter and C.J. as well. And given the shrieking from the audience, so will
M.K. and Malaya. (And I really have enjoyed many of Malaya’s previous
performances, but man, she was awful tonight.)

What did YOU think of the Top 13?

This article appears in Feb 26 – Mar 4, 2014.