Desperate, but serious 

Dear Mr. Glazer:

I just read in Britain's Daily Mirror that you recently called the Palm Beach, Florida, police department in hysteria. There was a helicopter hovering over your $12-million beachfront mansion and you feared a sniper might be trying to kill you.

Evidently, you've been concerned about this possibility ever since you took a 76.2-percent share of Manchester United soccer club, the highest-valued sports franchise on the planet.

Mr. Glazer, you're 76 and you don't need that kind of stress. You've done well since graduating from Monroe High School in 1946. Forbes Magazine assesses your net worth at $1 billion. But that hasn't earned you a kilogram of appreciation from Man U fans. If it did, they wouldn't have posted signs at a recent game telling you to "rot in hell."

That would scare me, too. So I suggest you come home. You can fear for your life right here in Rochester. Mayor Bill Johnson recently released a homicide study and, evidently, there's plenty of fear on our streets. But at least you'd be appreciated.

Mr. Glazer, Rochester sports fans have been trying in vain to put this city on some kind of map for decades. We thought it was going to be the Rhinos in the MLS, all the PGA events we host at Oak Hill, and maybe Division I hockey at RIT. We're sort of attached to the Buffalo Bills, but it's kind of like knowing a buddy of a buddy whose distant relative is Bill Gates. We're not connected at all, and it just hurts so badly.

We've been kidding ourselves. MLS wants little to do with the Rhinos. The PGA events come and go and don't stay in sports fans' consciousness long enough to affect our reputation. Division I hockey at RIT is still a minor collegiate sport. And the Bills just don't belong to us.

We're little ol' Rochester, still searching for a mapmaker.

Alas, Mr. Glazer, you are the mapmaker we need.

Get out of that Manchester, England, hornets' nest and move Man U to Rochester, where the soccer fans would welcome you with open arms, kiss your feet, and thank you for putting the city on the map of the world.

We'll give you anything you want. A fast ferry? We can arrange that. A ferry terminal to rent out space --- maybe put a Man U merchandising stand in there --- well, you're gonna have to pay for that. You have a dollar? Want a stadium? We'll give that to you, too. We're not messing around anymore with small change like the Rhinos. We know you've got money.

While we're at it, might I suggest you move your Tampa Bay Buccaneers up here? Think about how great that would be. Right in your hometown. You'd be as heralded as the next George Eastman around these parts, lauded for your forward thinking and brashness, which you've proven in taking over Man U. And don't forget how gutsy it was to leave the legendary Bill Parcells embarrassed at the altar a few years ago, only to hire Jon Gruden, who won you a Super Bowl in 2003. Take that, Billy boy! Hahaha!

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. You come here, and we'll make you Mayor. We'll throw in County Executive. You can be governor if you want too. We'll rename Rochester "Glazer City."

Anything. We're starved. We've given sweetheart deals to charlatans and quacks in the past. But you, my friend, are the real thing. Forbes Magazine, Man U, and the Tampa Bay Bucs do not lie. Just put us on a freakin' map.

Glazer City. I like that. Consider it done.