“RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars”: The winner revealed (thank god it’s over)

And so we come to the end of the short, disappointing season
that was “RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars.” I think the
general consensus out there was that this season was not what ANYONE hoped it
would be (I suspect that’s especially true for the contestants), and that the
ultimate winner felt like an anticlimax to a show that was already struggling
to gain momentum.

The Final 4 – Raven, Jujubee, Shannel, and Chad Michaels – were blessedly freed from the
shackles of the season-long teams format and competed individually in the final
task, a three-pronged challenge that was ostensibly a take-off on “It’s a Mad,
Mad, Mad, Mad World,” but which really just amounted to three different
activities tied together by rides in a dragged-out van. (Special shout outs to S1’s Ongina and S3’s
Delta Work, who were the chauffers, but sadly not in
drag.) The queens first had to do a group interview with terrifying E! correspondent Marc Malkin (is it
just me, or does that guy seem utterly soulless?), then they had to do a public
appearance at restaurant Hamburger Mary’s, and then they had to do a stand-up
routine at the Comedy Store.

I’ve heard people complaining that this final challenge was
all over the place, but honestly I thought it was a much better task than the
typical “Drag Race” finale, which is essentially “dance in the background in a
video for a 2-year-old RuPaul song.” This format
actually has practical applications for these queens’ careers. For all my
complaints about the season overall, I’d like to see this kind of challenge
used in “Drag Race” finales going forward.

As far as the queens’ performances in the challenges — and
taking into consideration only what the editors chose to show viewers — it
appeared that Jujubee got overshadowed in the
interview portion, everybody seemed to do well at Hamburger Mary’s, and Shannel was all over the place at the comedy club. But to
my surprise, nobody full-on bombed at the stand-up. In fact, I was shocked at
how good most of them were, especially Raven and Jujubee. As guest judge Cheri Oteri
(completely unrecognizable from her days on “Saturday Night Live”) pointed out,
Raven should seriously consider a career in stand-up. She killed it with her
routine on prison love.

The finale runway was oddly disappointing. Chad’s shiny
jumpsuit was polished but unexciting (fitting, given that’s how I’ve felt about
Chad all season). Jujubee was a straight-up mess; the
judges were too kind about her throwaway dress that would have looked cheap in
Week 1, and which was totally unfitting for a finale presentation. Raven gave
us boudoir couture, while my beloved Shannel pulled
out what I can only refer to as Lobster Showgirl Realness. Several members of
my viewing party hated it, but I thought it was ridiculous and wonderful. I only
wish she had pushed around a cauldron of boiling water and doused herself with
drawn butter at the end of the runway. Commit to the look, you crazy bitch!

It became clear from the judges’ critiques that the Top 2
were Chad and Raven, leaving Jujubee and Shannel out of the running. I’m a little torn on that.
Going into the finale I wanted Jujubee to win. She’s
been a bright light in this mostly dull season. It’s true that she once again
choked in the home stretch (on “Untucked” Ru got to the source of this tendency, which Juju
identified as her people-pleasing personality), but I was still rooting for
her. Shannel can be proud of the fact that she
redeemed herself after her polarizing stint on Season 1. The editing in the
last few “All Stars” episodes hasn’t done her any favors, but the bottom line
is that whether you like her or not, Shannel is an
ENTERTAINER. She is ridiculous and over the top and she loves it. That’s who
she is. And I would pay good money to see her perform, because that is a lady
who knows how to put on a SHOW. Again: sister came out on the runway last night
looking like a Vegas lobster. That takes guts.

That left two previous runners-up, Raven and Chad Michaels,
lip synching to Ru’s “Responsitrannity”
(not my favorite song). Personally I thought Raven won this easily. Chad’s
moves were a little predictable, a little old-fashioned, almost
a little desperate. Raven just did her sexy, sultry thing, but commanded
attention. Alas, she once again came in second place as Chad got the crown and
the first spot in the Drag Race Hall of Fame.

Chad’s win is, believe it or not, somewhat controversial. On
social media I’ve already seen multiple posts along the lines of, “Raven was
robbed. Again.” But as was pointed out to me, if you
look at the entire season, you kind of had to give it to Chad. Raven might have
outperformed her in the final episode, but Raven was also curiously a nonentity
for most of the “All Stars” competition. Her Bea Arthur impersonation was flat
and forgettable. She was totally overshadowed by the rest of the Final 4 during
the street pranks. Her supervillain was great, but
she really didn’t step up until the last two weeks. So from the big-picture
perspective, it’s fitting that she’s once again just shy of the win. But at
least this time she didn’t lose to Tyra effing Sanchez.

Conspiracy theorists would have you believe that this entire
season was rigged just to give Chad the crown many people – including Chad –
thought was rightfully hers in Season 4. I don’t know about that. I don’t think
Chad acquitted herself nearly as well this time around, but then again, few of
these queens did (aside from the breakout star of the season, Tammie Brown; I’m
pissed we won’t get a reunion only because I wanted more Tammie in my life).
Regardless, I actually feel a little bad for Chad. Yes, she got the win she
wanted. And she is deserving of a win if you take her entire “Drag Race” career
– and her drag career in general – into consideration. But pretty much
everybody hated this season, which makes being the winner of it kind of like
being the queen of the shit pile.

The big question now is, will there
be another “All Stars” season? Ru seemed to suggest
it was a possibility; she repeatedly referred to the winner as “the first in
the Drag Race Hall of Fame.” But given the overwhelmingly negative response to
the team format, I can’t imagine they’re going to attempt that fiasco again.
Will they find the cash and time necessary to do a full season with previous
queens? Will they go for a shorter season featuring fewer queens in single
combat? Will queens from this season be eligible to compete in future “All
Stars” seasons? If they do another one, I certainly hope that last item is the
case. There aren’t that many “Drag Race” alum who weren’t included here that
I’d be interested in seeing back. (Off the top of my head: Ongina, Jessica Wild, Shangela,
Morgan McMichaels, Mariah, Willam,
and maybe Dida Ritz, Tatianna,
and Phi Phi O’Hara, just for drama.) There’s
no doubt that if this was single-elimination things would have shaken out much
differently. Manila Luzon did nothing wrong and was out in Week 3. She deserves
another solid shot at the title.

In the meantime, at least we have Season 5 coming up quick in
January. If you haven’t gone over to Logo’s website to check out the new girls,
get on it. It looks promising. After this boner of a season – which should have
been a slam dunk given the amazing queens they brought back – RuPaul better
make sure not to fuck it up.

This article appears in Nov 21-27, 2012.