This fall, a historic decision will impact the future of this nation, and
possibly the world. No, not the presidential election.
We’re fucked no matter who takes that. I’m talking about who will ultimately be
crowned the winner of “RuPaul’s All Stars Drag Race,” which brings back a dozen
of the baddest bitches from the previous four seasons of “Drag Race.” Locas,
the glamour! The eleganza! The SHADE of it all!

I have been gagging ever since the cast was announced yesterday (click
here for the trailer, in case the embedded one is being a lazy bitch), and
ruminating over which of the 12 returning queens will snatch the tiara in this
battle of the drag titans. Consider this: we have every runner-up in series
history, and every single Miss Congeniality in the mix. My thoughts are below.
What do YOU think? Did they get the cast right? Who are you excited to see
back? Who do you want to win this time? Post in the comments section below!

SEASON 1:

Nina
Flowers: Back in Season 1, it was a real toss up between Ms.
Flowers and eventual winner Bebe Zahara Benet. Both were fierce queens who
exhibited incredible polish and radiated star power. At the time Nina was
sometimes criticized for her unapologetically edgy, more androgynous style of
drag. But given recent wins by Raja and Sharon Needles, it’s safe to say that
the judges have become more open to alternative styles of drag over the past
few years. Nina’s a solid competitor and a talented performer, but is also a
sweetheart. Given this very tough field, I wonder if she’s going to fight for
the win as hard as some of these other seasoned queens.

Tammie
Brown: Tammie was the second queen ever to be eliminated on “Drag
Race,” and many people are questioning her inclusion in “All Stars.” But I have
to say, I’m glad she’s here. Her drag – though admittedly not a natural fit for
this show’s format — is unlike anything else we’ve seen, she’s fascinating, and
given that she lasted only two episodes, nobody can deny that she’s memorable.
Keep in mind that Tammie, like the rest of the Season 1 queens, was at a real
disadvantage the first time around – they had no idea what they were getting
into, or how they should prepare. I’m fascinated to see what Tammie will do
with another shot. Let’s see what new tricks she’s learned while walking with
God’s children through nature!

Shannel:Even after four seasons, I don’t think any other queen on this show has
ever brought performances on the level of Shannel. Remember that one runway
where the bitch came out juggling while strutting bare assed?
Or the snake-goddess outfit? Shannel is a master performer, and she is
determined. The only thing that got in her way the first time was her attitude
and inability to take criticism. Based on her subsequent appearances on “Drag
U” she seems to have curbed the cockiness. If she can remain focused,
ambitious, and actually listen to what the judges want, she should be very
stiff competition.

SEASON 2:

Raven:There are a lot of similarities between Raven and Shannel. They’re both
drag vets who know how to own a stage, but they also both know how good they are
– and expect to be treated accordingly. I will argue until my death that either
Raven or Jujubee should have won Season 2 over Tyra Sanchez, but regardless,
Raven is back, leaner but hopefully not meaner (she was vicious to Tatianna,
and not in a fun way). Like Shannel, if she can fully harness that drive and
perfectionism, and focus on her own performance instead of shitting on others,
she’ll be difficult to take down.

Jujubee: For
me, one of the funniest, most endearing queens ever on the show. Juju is still
the best librarian to take on the reading challenges, but her insults rarely
seemed negative. She’s a fun bitch, not a bitchy bitch. Juju’s problems in
Season 2 were all internal, as she psyched herself out during several key
challenges (notably the rock-singing episode). She is fishy, she is funny, she is fabulous. If she can own that she’ll do OK here. But
I fear that she lacks the drive that it will take to keep up with some of these
other all-stars. Love her as I do, I’m betting on a middle-pack finish for our
Juju.

Pandora
Boxx:Rochester’s
hometown gal emerged as the fan favorite from Season 2, and two seasons later is
still among the most popular contestants ever on “Drag Race.” In fact, when one
of the spots on the show was left to a public vote on Facebook, Pandora
narrowly lost to Sharon Needles – who opted out of “All Stars” after winning
Season 4 – and the two of them were ahead of the pack by a WIDE margin.
Pandora’s humor, relatability, and sweetness have made her the people’s drag
queen, and many fans are looking for her to go all the way this time. Pandora’s
main critiques in Season 2 were related to her glam-challenged wardrobe and
occasional self doubt. Since the show, there’s no question that she’s
dramatically upped her fashion game, and her confidence. The trick now is, she’s no longer the plucky underdog. She’s got lots of
fans with lots of expectations. But I suspect that Pandora takes that
seriously, and I’ll be stunned if Pandy doesn’t make it to the finish line this
time.

SEASON 3:

Alexis
Mateo: Although second-runner-up in her original season, I am
extremely dubious about Alexis’s chances this time around. She is very good in
her particular showgirl style of drag, but now she’s competing directly against
Shannel, who basically IS showgirl drag. I’ve seen the term “one-note” bandied about
a lot in regards to Alexis, and I have to agree. She can be a delight (I am
still tickled by her salute to the troops), but she’s simply not the most
exciting queen in this race – not by a longshot. There’s also a strange sadness
with Alexis – a vibe that permeated her entire season, actually – and the
slightest dip in energy is going to leave any of these ladies in the dust.
Sorry, Alexis fans, but she’s my pick for the first or
second to go.

Yara
Sofia: Yara became a dark horse in her original season, and the
plucky Puerto Rican certainly has her charms. She’s got tons of energy, a cool
alternative style, and can be quite funny – she was great in both the news
channel and stand-up comedy challenges. But the problem with Yara is that she
tended to go right to the hyper, incoherent Latina
shtick, and on top of that, she completely, totally cracked under the pressure
at Final 4. That’s somewhat understandable, but her terrible attitude about
having to lipsynch – with only four queens left – really put me off.
But hey, she won Miss Congeniality that year, so what do I know? She’s got some
fight, but I’m seeing a middle-of-the-pack finish for Yara this time.

Manila
Luzon: Had the exquisite creature known as Raja not been on the
roster, I’m convinced that Manila
would have won Season 3. She’s elegant, funny, fishy
as all hell, and a gifted comedian, and she performed one of the most memorable
lipsynchs in the show’s history to “MacArthurPark.” While dressed as a muppet.
That is furry fierceness. The bad news is, I don’t
think Manila is as hungry for the
win as some of the other queens invited to this race. I’d like to be proven
wrong, because I love her, and she certainly has the goods. But so do at least
four other queens, and they won’t hesitate to trip a
bitch on the runway if they have to. Manila’s
too classy for that.

Mimi
Imfurst:Easily the most controversial member of the “All Stars”
cast, Mimi finished in 11th place her original season, which wouldn’t
necessarily scream “all star” to most viewers. But allow me to play drag devil’s
advocate. There’s no doubt in my mind that Mimi had much, much more to show us
in Season 3, and probably would have stuck around quite a bit longer had she
not physically assaulted one of the other competitors during her final
lipsynch. Mimi’s kind of nuts. Sometimes that can be a
bad thing (see: that whole physical assault thing), but if channeled the right
way…well, then you get Sharon Needles. Mimi is a total wild card, and has
absolutely nothing to lose. If she can keep her shit together she could
surprise a great many people. Or she could have another spectacular flame out
and head home early. They’re almost equally likely, although her “Meet the
Queen” video on Logo’s website suggests that she’s still trying too hard. So
that’s worrisome.

SEASON 4:

Latrice
Royale: I live for Latrice. In Season 4 she was a regal, calming
presence in a sea of foolery (or should that be Phoolery, for Ms. O’Hara?), and
this queen knows how to deliver a lipsynch. But her limited looks were a real
problem (her appearances on “Drag U” at least suggest that the make-up has been
much improved), and Latrice is, by her own admission, pretty fried after just
wrapping her original season. She’s an amazing queen and I hope she goes far.
But again, she’s up against SERIOUS competition this time. I’m afraid we’ll be
bidding adieu to Ms. Royale fairly early on, and then I will need biscuit Jesus
to come and sop me up, as I will be awash in tears.

Chad
Michaels: In his NewNowNext video, Chad
also cops to having basically no time to prepare for “All Stars.” But the thing
is,Chad
doesn’t need prep time. Chad
is one of the most flawless queens we’ve ever seen on this show. There’s very
little Chad
cannot do, and do well. Comedy, acting, performing, sewing, working a
motherfucking runway – Chad
has this. Chad
has all of this. The only reason Chad
didn’t win S4 is that Sharon
sparkled just a bit brighter. This time, I expect Chad’s
consistent perfection to take him right to the end.

My predictions for Final 6: Chad Michaels, Nina Flowers, Shannel, Pandora
Boxx, Raven, Manila Luzon. If I had to pick a winner right now, I’d bet on Chad,
Pandora, Nina, or Shannel.

That said, we have absolutely no idea how this
competition will work. There are 12 queens but reportedly only six episodes.
Does that mean that we’ll lose two queens per episode? That would mean at least
three queens lipsynching for their lives, which would be awkward to say the
least. Perhaps we’ll get an entirely different format? Maybe
one without eliminations? The trailer does say, “Twelve queens enter,
one queen leaves.” (I know, I’m being too literal.)

We’ll all find out in October when “RuPaul’s All Star Drag Race” premieres
on Logo. To keep up on the show, check the official
website or follow it on Facebook.
And yours truly will be blogging the shit out of this right here for City
Newspaper. Echa pa’lante!

This article appears in Aug 1-7, 2012.