“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Season 5: Adios, my nutty auntie

Que lastima!
What a tragic ending to another wonderful episode. The Final 6 queens — Alaska,
Alyssa Edwards, Coco Montrese, Detox,
Jinkx Monsoon, and Roxxxy
Andrews — first had to emote during “The Crying Game” (she’s a man!). Then they
put their (over)dramatic skills to use in telenovela scenes opposite a somnolent Wilmer Valderrama, whose agent clearly forced him to appear here
to satisfy some kind of debt.

Again I’ll dissect the queens’ performance, in order from
most successful to least.

Jinkx Monsoon became the first contestant of
the season to win more than one challenge — it is remarkable that we got to F6
without any clear frontrunner — by nailing both the acting challenge and the
runway. Jinkx is a trained actor, so it’s not
surprising that she killed it in the telenovela. She
dialed it up past 12, with her orgasmic teen literally mounting the furniture
in ecstasy. Hilarious. The Dia de los Muertos ensemble for the runway was a risk, but a brilliant
one. RuPaul audibly gasped at Jinkx’s
reveal, and the last time I recall that happening was with Tyra
Sanchez and the wedding episode back in S2. That’s telling. Also telling: we
got clear-cut proof of what has been emerging as the story over the
past four or so episodes, that the other queens have been coming after Jinkx because they know she’s the one to beat. Four out of
five of her competitors named Jinkx as their stiffest
competition for the tiara. They’re absolutely right. Unfortunately that’s also going
to paint a giant target on Jinkx going forward. And
I’m just not sure how she’s going to handle that kind of pressure, going from underdog to top dog.

Alaska came in a
close second, once again. Something tells me that’s
kind of the de facto tragedy of Alaska: really good, just not quite good
enough. Alaska was great in the crying mini-challenge, serving up some Liz
Taylor in Tennessee Williams Realness. And she was better than most as the
histrionic matriarch in the telenovela. Her weakness
was once again the runway, where she wore yet another cheap-looking prom gown. She was saved by whipping out two maracas, but it’s clear
that the judges have become bored with her predictable wardrobe.

Roxxxy Andrews bounced back after two
terrible weeks with a funny performance in the telenovelas
and a runway look in which she actually showed us something different than
body-ody-ody. For once she didn’t wear lycra! And her make-up was toned
down enough so that we could actually see her (beautiful) face! Roxxxy also showed some uncharacteristic self-awareness at
multiple points in the episode, and was endearing in her interactions with Detox. But then she shot herself in the foot with her
defensive, off-the-hip remarks in “Untucked.” I do
like Roxxxy, but she doesn’t make it easy to root for
her.

Detox finally did something worth discussing this episode. A few
things, actually. First, she broke down during the crying
mini-challenge, explaining that she had a boyfriend who died a few years back
(we got some additional details about this later in the episode, and it sounds
like a pretty complicated/emotionally fraught experience) and so everyone fake
crying made her extremely uncomfortable. It was a very real moment and made me
rethink my opinion of Detox as aloof and over
seemingly everything. Detox also did OK in the telenovela. But as the judges all seem to be telling her
all of a sudden, OK is not nearly enough at this stage. In the work room Ru said that Detox has consistently been getting the note that she’s
giving “B+” when they need “A++.” That’s interesting, because we haven’t seen Detox get any feedback in weeks. She’s almost always middle of
the pack. I think most viewers — myself included — gave up on Detox several episodes back. She’s been so forgettable for
so long, just seeming not to really try at many of the challenges. Tonight the
show felt like it was setting up her inevitable boot in the next few weeks (her
unfortunate sombrero ensemble only helped to move her closer to the door).
That’s remarkable, because pre-show there’s no question that Detox was a favorite for the win.

Coco Montrese continues to destroy my will to live. She is
just a thoroughly unpleasant presence on this show, and one of the most
infuriatingly self-absorbed queens to ever disgrace our screens. Her
petulant, passive-aggressive attacks against Jinkx
and Alyssa became tiresome weeks ago, and I was desperately hoping for her
ouster when she landed in the Bottom 2 for choking a bit in the acting
challenge. But a stunning long-sleeved, bright orange jumpsuit and a dead-on lipsynch to the rap in Paula Abdul’s “Cold Hearted” kept
her around for another week. I can’t stand Coco, but I can’t argue with that
decision. (I do think her runway outfit helped her a LOT in that LSFYL.) But
god, she cannot learn how to shut her mouth. In both “Untucked”
and in her talking heads she was just a catty, insufferable old hag. What was
that BS about Alyssa being there for a competition but the rest of them were
there for some higher purpose? And how America’s Next Drag Superstar has to be
willing to commit to the challenges? Like you committed to the children’s show
challenge you threw, or the singing challenge in which you were a defensive
bitch, or the perfume challenge in which you blatantly kissed ass while totally
missing the point of the assignment? She’s so full of shit her eyes are
BLUE.

But we must say good bye to Alyssa Edwards, my adorable, befuddled
drunk aunty. I started this competition absolutely loathing Alyssa, but after a
few weeks her well-intentioned cluelessness really grew on me. Her mugging in the mirror. Her hysterical double takes. Her folksy confessionals. So charming! But beyond that, Alyssa really is
a fierce queen and a hell of a performer, as evidenced by tonight’s lipsynch. But the other contestants had valid points when
asked why Alyssa was the weakest queen currently in the pack. Alyssa
reflexively said she wasn’t an actress, a singer, or a comedian. She’s just a
performer. I still think she legitimately tried in every challenge (more than I
can say for Coco). But Alyssa gets…easily flustered, I think. You could see her
psyching herself out going into that LSFYL and there was no competing with Coco
and those damned sleeves. So farewell, crazy aunt Alyssa.
This season will be FAR less entertaining without you.

NEXT: The annual drag sister episode, this
time with military men. Please, god, let there be beefcake. I don’t
think we even saw the Pit Crew ONCE this episode!

This article appears in Mar 27 – Apr 2, 2013.