“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Season 5: Veteran affairs

With just five queens remaining it was time for the annual
makeover challenge. This time the task was to turn gay veterans of the United
States military into drag queens for a day. These vets ranged from fairly young
to of-a-certain-age, from stick-figure twinks to
bears. It may have been the most mixed bag of makeover candidates the show has
ever seen. But all of the vets were game for the experience, and it did give
the show an opportunity to discuss the realities of being gay in the military
before, during, and after Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Personally I like it when the
show ventures into gay politics/history, because these are things that need to
get passed on through the generations.

The episode began with a silly calisthenics mini-challenge
that was good for only two reasons. First, we got to see the Pit Crew again
after what seemed like weeks of absence. Second, we had a fairly cute personal
trainer putting the queens through their steps. Spindly Alaska won and was
given the opportunity to assign the vets to the competing queens. Ever the
diplomat, Alaska merely paired up the military men with the queens who happened
to be standing opposite them. If Alaska doesn’t win Miss Congeniality this
season I’ll be floored. The only other two possibilities would be Jinkx or Alyssa (not because she’s nice, but because she’s
a freaking hoot).

In addition to transforming these dudes into ladies, the
queens also had to choreograph a color-guard routine for themselves and their
partners. We saw only snippets of these. The show regularly throws a performance curveball
like this into these kind of transformation
challenges, but rarely shows us all of the finished products. It’s a little
odd.

Here’s how everyone stacked up, best to worst:

Roxxxy Andrews nabbed her second win of the
competition, and she really needed it. Roxxxy has
been struggling for weeks now, and been all but begging for a look-based
challenge. This fit that bill, but she had to transform
her (very cute) bear companion Izzy into Isabella
Andrews. Not easy, but the two of them totally pulled it out. They really did look like
drag sisters, and Roxxxy’s make-up and padding jobs
on Isabella were well done. They both seemed at ease with one another and had
fun with the project.

Jinkx Monsoon had arguably the toughest
transformation with her veteran, Dave, an older gentleman with significant
physical limitations. Dave also seemed to have an air of drama about him, but
it’s understandable — the guy has apparently been through a LOT. The two of
them seemed to mostly work well together (my friend said that she was glad the
two of them were paired together, because she doubted any of the other queens
would have been as understanding as Jinkx). Jinkx played very heavily toward camp here, doing a
Liza/Judy thing for herself and her drag mother, Fortuna Monsoon. (Dave
actually claimed to have possibly killed Judy Garland, which spawned the amazing Twitter hashtag, #IKilledJudyGarland.) The whole shtick
worked. I also noticed that Jinkx’s make-up has
improved significantly over the past few episodes. She is taking the criticisms
to heart.

Alaska inadvertently
screwed herself by picking the young, skinny pretty boy as her partner. The
gent who became known as Nebraska had to make serious
changes to his clunky high-heeled walk, and the two of them biffed the
color-guard challenge. But the real issue here was that Nebraska ended up
outshining Alaska. I think part of that is because Alaska’s aesthetic is always
slightly off — that is a deliberate styling choice on her part. But Nebraska
simply looked flawless on the runway, a truly gorgeous queen, and as one of the
guest judges put it, she was more intriguing than the actual contestant. (I did like the cat-burglar
theme Alaska had going for the two of them.)

Detoxended up in the bottom for the second
time, and if editing is to be believed, it’s because she spent so much time
fawning over her vet. Detox’s veteran was indeed
cute, and probably the most…naturally inclined to this challenge. (I am
thoroughly unconvinced that he had never worn heels prior to filming this
episode; dude was panthering the room in seconds
flat.) Detox and Alaska probably had the most to work
with, and so expectations were naturally higher for their transformations. I
didn’t care for the looks worn by either Detox
or Beth Adone (high marks for the name, though).
Their ambitious flag routine was a disaster. And Detox
looked miserable on the runway. That dour expression has become fairly standard
for Detox, and honestly I just don’t think she’s
enjoying this experience in any way. I’m also going to just say it: Detox hugely overestimates her lipsynching
abilities. She seems to think the jaw waggle is the be-all and end-all. It was old the first time we saw it weeks ago, and it was beyond
tired here. She busted out some dance moves that made her look the fool. But no
way did she actually win that LSFYL.

Coco Montreseoutperformed her, but with her fourth
appearance in the Bottom 2 (and third straight B3 appearance) there was
basically no way she was sticking around. She performed well in that lipsynch — and I can’t stand Coco, so please understand
that it takes me a lot to stick up for her — but she basically bombed that
challenge, as she has many others over the course of the competition. Her
partner, Steve (Horchata Montrese),
seemed like he was trying, but there was nothing he could do to overcome the tacky
styling and tragic make-up Coco put on him. Coco admitted in the work room that she doesn’t paint other people’s faces. Steve
looked rough on that stage — the eyes looked practically Picasso-esque. And Coco didn’t look much better. The hilarious
thing is that Coco’s been bitching for weeks that the challenges have favored the
comedy queens; that she needed a look-based challenge to really shine. And
still: pfffft. And then she had the audacity to get
tight-lipped and pissy on stage, and throw an actual
temper tantrum backstage for being criticized. Goodbye, Coco! I am absolutely
thrilled that you are gone. You stand out as one of the most infuriating queens to
ever appear on this show. Enjoy your delusions, dear.

That leaves us with one more elimination
before the finale. Detox got a lot of character
development this episode, with the discussion of her family and the
awful-sounding car accident that she survived. It was a very humanizing episode
for her — which makes me think she’s out next week. It appears to be
another look-based challenge, which favors Roxxxy and
puts both Alaska and Jinkx at risk. Although it’s
worth pointing out: neither Alaska nor Jinkx have yet
lipsynched for their lives, which is rare at this
stage in the competition.

This article appears in Apr 3-9, 2013.