This week, “True Blood” turned into an adult version of
“Can’t Hardly Wait” as basically the entire town descended upon Sookie’s Haus of Death for a swingin’ shindig where everyone made Big Life Decisions or
slept with someone other than his/her partner. Plus, Eric dressed up like JR
Ewing, the Yakuza shot up the George Bush Library, and we got something of a
shocker ending.

But first: Sookie was very sad
because her super hot boyfriend, Alcide, was
murdered, and also because her life is basically a steady stream of torment and
horror. Her friends, being the drunk sluts they are,
decided that the way to address her totally justified emotional breakdown was
to throw a “We Were Dying But Now We’re Fine” party. In Sookie’s house. Without asking her permission. Sookie, your friends are terrible.

The Happy Party took up the bulk of the episode and gave
virtually every remaining cast member a nice moment or two. This was an episode
very light on action and heavy on talking, but that reminded me that,
underneath all of the ridiculous bullshit, “True Blood” is home to some
talented character actors. To wit:

*Andy Bellefleur made good on his
promise and proposed to Holly in a legitimately sweet scene. When this show
began, who would have thought that Sheriff Andy would become its creamy nougat
center?

*Arlene has an admirer in the musician vamp who saved her life last episode, but he seems like kind of a
gentleman. And he’s already dead, so that should make him a good match for black
widow Arlene.

*Jessica, finally unburdened by
Andy over the whole eating-his-fairy-kids thing, spurned James’s amorous
advances. This sent him straight into the welcoming arms of LaFayette,
who confirmed the obvious — that James was involved in a gay relationship
around the time he was turned — and then the LESS obvious — that LaFayette is a top. Who saw that coming? Of course, Jessica
walked in on LaFayette and James jeepin’
(well, SUVin’) and that was embarrassing for
everyone, particularly LaFayette’s “I am not a
minstrel and I deserve love” speech. We get it, LaLa.
Although I did enjoy him calling out Jessica for being a shitty girlfriend,
because that was kind of true.

*Jason went to comfort Jess and they, too, ended up boning. That’s
fine, and expected, but I was most pleased that the show had someone verbalize
how awful Violet is. That character’s continued presence baffles me. She
obviously has a plotline now, as she overheard Jess and
Jason hooking up, so SOMEONE is going to pay. But up until now she has always
seemed like fodder that nobody remembered to kill off.

*Lettie Mae drugged the Reverend
so that she could go to the party to get closure on Tara. And she delivered a
lovely speech. And everything was going so well, until she lost her shit and
attacked Willa with a knife so that she could use her blood to communicate with
Tara again. So I guess that situation has yet to play itself out fully.

*Sam and his terrible wife/girlfriend/whatever totally
killed the mood when she went off on a tirade about how screwed up the people
of Bon Temps are by throwing a party after they were all nearly eaten. Oh,
quiet, you. Your boyfriend got ripped apart by werewolves
last season and the next episode you were screwing Sam, I believe with a
dead woman’s kid in the very next room. Her claim that, “Things like this don’t
happen in other towns” was also patently false since A) we saw a different town
completely wiped out two episodes ago and B) in the Eric plotline this episode
someone notes that half of America is being terrorized by Hep
V gangs. So shut it, lady.

*Vampire Bill kept having extremely boring flashbacks to his
Civil War days. They seemed barely relevant to the current goings-on in the
episode, up until the episode-ending cliffhanger. Bath time with Bill came to a
sad ending (we did get a butt flash, though) when Bill noticed the tell-tale Hep V veins sprouting up
on his chest. That surprised me. Since they’re killing Eric that way, I didn’t
think they’d also off Bill. Even though I don’t like them together, I just
assumed Bill and Sookie would be together at the
finale.

*Finally, in the Eric plot, he released Willa (at her
request), but she had one more chance to play plot contrivance by directing
Eric and Pam to Sarah Newlin’s vampire sister who lives
in Dallas. You guys, just go with it. Also, Pam was hilarious in those scenes.
Vampire Sister, who is ALSO dying of Hep V, pointed
Pam and Eric to a swanky Republican fundraiser where the Newlin
parents were likely to be, and also probably Sarah. And indeed she was there,
telling her mother that the Yakuza were after her, right before the Japanese
mafia stormed in and shot up the place. Eric intercepted Sarah, ripped the jaw
off of one of the gangsters, and that’s where we left that. I’m not 100 percent
sure why the Yakuza is after Sarah. I’m guessing it’s because she helped to
orchestrate the Hep V-tainted
True Blood scheme, which collapsed what must have been a very lucrative market for the
crime lords. I’m also not sure how they missed Sarah last episode, since she
was just in the kitchen of the guy they beheaded. You would expect ninjas to be
more thorough in their death missions. Especially in this economy…

This article appears in Jul 16-22, 2014.