Anyone who has ever had issues with lawyers needs to watch
that magnificent segment with Vampire Bill and the attorney. And then they need
to slow clap, clap, clap at its last 2 minutes, rewind, and watch it again.
Seriously, that was a thing of beauty, and probably especially gratifying for
anyone who has been on the wrong end of a lawsuit.
As has become the trend this season, this episode featured a
lot of slow, quiet character scenes that orbited around one riveting sequence —
in this case, Bill’s ill-fated attempt to change his will. Overall I thought it
was another solid episode for the show, and I found the Bill/Sookie storyline to be poignant in a way that I was not expecting.
Let’s start the dissection with that plotline. As we
discovered last episode, Bill has contracted Hep V.
He fairly calmly called a lawyer who apparently specializes in vampire
end-of-life issues (which is weird, given what we found out about the legality
of vampire wills this episode). In the waiting room, which recalled that scene
from “Beetlejuice” to me, Bill discovered that his
disease was progressing very rapidly — he experienced the first signs the night
before, but as he sat there the telltale veins sprouted up all across his
extremities. Could this have something to do with Bill formerly being Billith? Could it have to do with his exposure to Sookie, who frankly is sometimes enough to make anyone
sick? Could it simply be a plot device since we have only four episodes left?
We will find out!
Jessica overheard Bill’s Hep V
admission, and quietly imploded, because she is still a teenager, and she just
found out that her father is dying. She made the ethically dubious decision of
disclosing Bill’s diagnosis to Jason and Sookie —
next episode, Jessica will tape a PSA about the importance of HIPPA guidelines
— which sparked a pretty brutal realization on Sookie’s
part: she is infected with Hep V, and she infected
Bill. Remember the scene a few episodes back, before Alcide
died (let’s all take a moment to reflect on his bare backside), when Sookie had cut her arms open to draw out the Hep V vamps and then was bathed in their blood when they
got shot up by Those Idiot Townspeople? At the time I remember thinking, “Sookie, you need to get yourself to the free clinic stat,
because you have ALL the diseases now.” And she has at least one: Hep V. There is something very interesting about a show
that has been so steeped in casual sex for its entire run — I mean, vampire
fiction is by and large a stand-in for overt sexuality — concluding with its
three main characters all suffering from what is a very thinly veiled take on a
sexually transmitted disease. Were I a member of the Slut-American community
(*ahem*), I might feel as though my lifestyle was being judged here.
Jessica’s cry for help also set another plotline into
motion. Violet, who overheard Jason and Jessica getting it on last episode,
attempted to win Jason back by playing the subservient, nubile girlfriend.
We’ve all been there, sister. I can’t blame a girl for using every weapon in
her arsenal to keep her grip on Jason Stackhouse, even something as clichéd as
rose petals scattered all over the place (that said, there is something
unwholesome about rose petals on a Bud Light throw pillow). But Jason
Stackhouse allowed his psychotic vampire girlfriend to go down on him basically
just after he had slept with another woman. Vampires have heightened senses.
They can hear and…taste things. I’m no expert on relationships, but it seems
like a VERY BAD IDEA to let a 500-year-old crazy woman with fangs put her mouth
anywhere near your junk after you have just intimately introduced it to another lady. I’m just saying.
Anyway, Jessica’s call to Jason prompted Violet to burst out
in a rage, and then leave a note for Jason saying they were done. Jason read it
and was all, “PIZZA FOR EVERYBODY!” Except it couldn’t possibly be that easy,
because Violet is the swap meet, undead version of “Fatal Attraction.” And she
has decided to take her vengeance on Jason and Jessica out on Adilyn and Wade — Holly’s son — who are totally doing it
now, leading to a very nasty fight between Andy and Holly. Arlene fixed things,
which, let’s be real: if you are taking marital advice from Arlene Fowler LenierBellefleur, look at your
choices. Look at your life. Your months-old teenage fairy daughter humping on
the son of your future witch wife is kind of the least of your worries, Andy.
The episode ended with Violet tracking down the teen runaways and basically
leading them to their deaths, because they are stupid and horny and all three
are totally extraneous at this point. At first I questioned why Violet would
choose this particular path for vengeance, but Adilyn
is important to Jessica and, to a degree, Jason, since she is the daughter of
his friend and coworker. I have to show respect to quality vindictiveness when
I see it.
Elsewhere, LaFayette and Lettie Mae returned to Lala’s
house to find Vampire James waiting for them. After a great eyeroll
from Lettie Mae, who knows some lustin’
when she sees it, Lettie Mae quickly convinced James
to give her some of his blood so that she could communicate with Tara. James
encouraged LaFayette to join in, given the shared
psychedelic experiences V can create. Thank you for being a walking plot
device, James. But next time have the decency to do so without your shirt.
While tripping, LaFayette and Lettie
did interact with Tara, who led them on a merry chase to the cross with a snake
we saw before, then a weird glimmering portal, and finally the rundown house where
she lived with Lettie Mae. There
Tara dug up the backyard in her discounted David’s Bridal gown. Before they
could find out what she was looking for, Reverend Daniels woke them up just so
he could dump Lettie Mae. Way to
harsh a buzz, man. But LaFayette now believes
that Tara really is trying to communicate with Lettie,
and Adina Porter was amazing in those scenes, so it’s all for a good cause.
(Bonus: absolutely nobody even mentioned Willa.)
Over on the Sam Merlotte Living
Purgatory Hour, Sam continued his miserable existence by being told by his very
pregnant girlfriend that she was leaving Bon Temps, and that he’d better come,
too. Sam is, you may remember, the MAYOR OF THE TOWN, so there’s a flaw in that
plan. Also, he considers Bon Temps his home, and he doesn’t want to leave. Nicole and her unwavering bitchface made
it clear that she’s done, period. I might care about this storyline if
Nicole had ever made one positive contribution to this program, and if it had
anything to do with what else is going on, or if Sam had any nuts left at this
point. But his life is truly a steady turd rain, and
how do you root for a guy in that situation? Charlie Brown might have kept
missing that football, but Sam is basically just kicking at open air, falling
down, and getting shot and/or stabbed and emasculated at the same time.
That brings us to the Bill/Pam/Sarah Newlin
plot, which finally explained why the Yakuza has been hunting Sarah for
episodes. As predicted, the head of the Japanese company that manufactured True
Blood wants her dead, on account of her orchestrating the tainting of his
company’s No. 1 product, and the related total economic collapse of his
company. The ninja gangsters captured Pam and Eric with remarkable ease
(bearing in mind that Eric is severely weakened due to the Hep
V), and yet somehow let Sarah escape AGAIN despite her being within yards of
their goons for the second time in three episodes. After a time-wasting
negotiation that basically just served to establish why these people want Sarah
dead, Eric and Pam joined forces with their captors.
Sarah, however, had a surprise left for everyone. After
breaking into her vampire sister’s home, Sarah explained that she really is a
whole new person (vampire sister’s succinct dismissal of Sarah’s “New Me” act
was great), and that all of this happened for a reason. Because, you see, she
can save her sister. Because Sarah has the cure for Hep V. There was an antidote, and she chugged it
before leaving Vampire Death Camp. So she’s now a walking sack of Hep V cure. I’m going to award 10 points to whoever posted
on Facebook that that would be the twist, and also
predict that in the next two episodes Sarah Newlin
will become the world’s largest Capri Sun, as Bill, Eric, and whatever other
sick vampires with names drain her dry. Bonus: they won’t even get that burning
peroxide aftertaste now that she’s a brunette.
This article appears in Jul 23-29, 2014.
