"X Factor" Season 2, Episode 1: It's Britney, bitch!

Previously on “The X Factor”: some people nobody cared about
sang, a person nobody remembers won, and half the on-air talent got fired. But
they want you to forget pretty much all of that. Seriously, there was not a
single mention of anything to do with Season 1 in the S2 premiere. Not one.
They referenced that the show existed prior to this, but this very much felt
like a new start for the series, which it needed. It’s not like the first
season bombed in the ratings, but given the relentless hype there’s no doubt
that it failed to live up to expectations in numerous ways. The question is,
will the changes for this season make a difference? (I predict yes.)

Speaking of changes, note that there was no host for this
premiere episode, and so far as I know the show has yet to announce one. (I am
sorry they fired that scorching hot Steve Jones. I don’t care if he was
terrible. I just wanted to look at him.)

Throughout tryouts most of the typical hosting duties seemed
to fall to new judge Demi Lovato,
who asked the contestants their names, ages, etc. from the judging table. I
initially balked at Lovato on the panel – she’s
only 19, and at the time she was hired she was best known as a Disney Channel
star with very little name recognition outside the tween
demographic. But Simon Cowell has once again proven
that he’s an evil genius, because Demi is currently
breaking through in her solo career with “Give Your Heart a Break,” which is
all over the radio right now. I also think her argument for why she deserves
her spot — that she knows what her generation is listening to — is
pretty smart. I was going to give her a provisional pass, but by the end of the
episode I found her to be charming and refreshing. The father/daughter vibe
between her and Simon was the best part of the panel and made me like both of
them more.

As for the really big get for the panel, Britney Spears, I frankly
think she needs this show right now as much as it needs her. Yes, she has
rebounded substantially from her dark period a few years back. But she needs a
forum where America can fall in love with her personality again, and this show
could do that for her. Britney’s current issue is, people think she’s a puppet
at best, an idiot at worst. Being a judge here will allow her to speak directly
to the people, albeit in a highly regularized format. (And as tonight’s episode proved, she’s not all sweetness and giggles and y’all. She’s got a bite to her, and I loved it.) There’s no question she’s
benefiting the series. I’m basically only watching because she’s here. Part of
me wants her to be a trainwreck, but the bigger part
of me really wants to see her succeed, be awesome, and say, “Suck it, America!
There’s a reason I’ve been a pop-culture icon for the past decade and a half.”

The auditions started off in Austin, Texas, with Britney and
Demi joining the returning judges, Simon and L.A.
Reid. I immediately enjoyed the chemistry between Britney and Demi, and between Simon and the two of them. L.A. is a bit
of a stick in the mud compared to the three of them. I also enjoyed Britney’s
hot pink boob-window dress. I am always on Team Boob Window.

First up was Paige
Thomas, a gorgeous, funky 21-year-old mom from San Antonio. Britney was
totally adorable while interacting with Paige’s 3-year-old kid, who was off to
the side of the stage. Paige has been going to school for nursing, but of
course she really wants to be a star. She picked “I’m Going Down” by Mary J. Blige. Paige’s vocal wasn’t great — she was off pitch
in parts, but she’s got some soul, and she sold the performance. I think the
song was actually too high for her, as she was frequently flat (although that
may have also been a product of singing in a stadium). Britney called her
bright, beautiful, and flawless. Well, that’s not accurate, but it’s sweet.
L.A. told Paige to stop delaying the inevitable, because she’s a star, and then
compared her to Rihanna. Demi
commented on the stage presence, which I think is what Paige had going for her
the most. Simon said that she looked and sounded like a pop star, and also
she’s got a great sob story that he can milk (my words, not his), calling her
“commercial with a capital-C.” She was put through to Boot Camp.

Kaci Newton, 22, is a total Heather, a
stealth bitch who describes herself as Carrie Underwood mixed with Adele. Well,
that sounds just awful. The show totally turned her into a villain, airing
clips of her talking huge shit about basically every woman in the holding pen,
while simultaneously talking herself up. I cannot with Kaci’s
pantsuit, which reminded me of very rare roast beef. Simon said Kaci reminded him of Britney, which is a terrible insult to
his new coworker. Kaci picked Katy Perry’s
“Firework,” which was appropriate, because the girl set fire to her reputation
and career on national television. She did a cutesy version of the song and was
almost constantly off pitch, and she got worse as it went on. It was the very
definition of Simon’s old “Idol” chestnut, “a ghastly lunch.” Simon told Kaci that it sounded like she was dying. Kaci argued that she was nervous and broke into Duffy’s
“Mercy,” which was marginally less awful, but still not good. Simon, L.A., and Demi all told her no, Simon called her annoying, and she
was just cast as an untalented, hateful bitch on national TV. THIS! Is “X
Factor”!

Shawn Armenta is a 50-year-old airline worker who is a
rapper/singer. He performed an original song called “Candy Girl,” and he came
off as a pervert. And embarrassing. The look on Britney’s face — when she
wasn’t chewing her gum like a cow chews cud –was priceless. Shawn was very shouty and intense, and just thoroughly mortifying. Simon
called him “a mouse trying to be an elephant,” and called the performance “just
wrong.” Shawn got all uppity, saying he spent way too much time writing and
rehearsing for this kind of treatment, and then threw some shade at Demi using AutoTune. And then!
Britney gave some Grade-A side eye and told Shawn that he made her
uncomfortable, and that she wondered who let him on stage. This began the
Bitchy Britney montage, which was amazing to behold. Britney was dismissive,
haughty, blunt, and occasionally creative in her critiques and I LOVED IT.
She’s not the new Paula at all! Our Lady of Cheetos
is not playing. This is what happens when you’re raised by
Baptists and show-biz homosexuals. Heaven.

Reed Deming is 13,
a seventh-grader, and a Justin Bieber lookalike. Lord,
help us. Are children really that relentless for fame at that age now? Is that
a good thing? He picked “It Will Rain” by Bruno Mars, which is song that was
way too mature for a kid who hasn’t even hit puberty yet. Simon stopped him
about 12 bars in — it was pretty tortured — and told the kid to
pick another song where he didn’t have to try so hard. Instead Reed switched to
a stripped-down version of “Grenade,” and it was much improved. He still tries
way too hard and basically copied moves and vocal tricks from other music acts
(of course — he’s 13, he has no idea what he’s doing). Simon told Reed
that he needs better vocals,Demi
thought he was adorable, and L.A. mentioned the Bieber
thing, at which the kid bristled. You know what, child? You don’t want to be
compared to Justin Bieber, don’t walk out on stage
looking like his clone. Come on. Anyway, they all way overpraised
him and unanimously put him through. I’ll say this: I already like Reed more
than that Eben kid “Idol” tried to force down our
throats last season.

Then the auditions moved to San Francisco, which of course
included a segment on transvestites/transsexuals. Sigh. But it had a happy
ending (get your mind out of the gutter). Quattro
Da’an Smith is a 21-year-old trans cake decorator
who came in dressed as a bride, because she was here to marry “X Factor.” Bless
her heart. Predictably, Quattro sang “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga, but at first
she mostly just scampered around the stage. When Quattro started singing, it
wasn’t awful! It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad. Britney found Quattro
charming, Demi loved her, Simon called Quattro the
child of Madonna, Dracula, and Bobby Brown, but he liked it in a weird way.
L.A. said no, but the other three sent Quattro through. Simon told L.A. to
embrace the madness. A victory for that elegant sugar flower and transgendered
people everywhere!

Vincent Thomas,
22, is an actor from Los Angeles. He’s a former boy bander
— a European boy bander, which is the worst kind — and he needs to
be careful when he says things like, “I’ve done group stuff.” Because that could very easily get misinterpreted. He picked
“Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word” by Elton John. It was decent, although he
went flat, and there’s a…delicateness to his voice. And to him, too. Simon told Vincent that in a boy band, he
would be the one who wouldn’t sing. L.A. called him “dull and boring” and Vincent
was promptly shuffled stage. I didn’t think he was as bad as the judges made
him out to be.

Our first group audition of the season: Emblem 3, featuring three teenage skater boys who annoy the living
shit out of me already. The three them made a lot of noise about not being
“manufactured,” but were totally ignorant as to how cookie-cutter they already
are. Zero self-awareness. They did an original song called “Sunset Boulevard,”
which was terrible, and riddled with cliches, but the three of them can
sing/perform. It’s a rap/pop hybrid, and the crowd and judges were getting into
the song. L.A. loved them, Britney liked the funky vibe and smooth voices, Demi was a smitten kitten (Simon immediately told her no,
no, no), and Simon loved the whole audition. Unanimously put through.

Don Philip, 32,
from the Bronx, did a duet with Britney a decade ago, but his personal showbiz
career failed to take off. Britney recognized him immediately, and Don broke
down while trying to talk about his lack of success in the recording industry.
Britney was initially very supportive, and you could see in her eyes how
empathetic she was with this guy. He went with Beyonce’s
“Halo.” There was something weird going on with Don’s voice — it sounded
strained, like he was getting over being sick. It seemed to me that he knows the
techniques required to sing, but the voice wasn’t
there, and his diction is terrible (I’m just going to put this out there: I
think Don has been through some physical stuff since Britney first knew him, as
he looks visibly different). Don got progressively worse as the song went on.
The performance was also odd and off-putting, and Britney got visibly
uncomfortable as it went on. Simon told Don full on that he doesn’t have a good
singing voice. Britney paused for a second, commented on some vague personal
struggles, and told Don truthfully but kindly that his voice is not at a level
that they’re looking for with “X Factor.” I found that really brave of her, a
true test of whether or not she’s suited for this gig. Don was shocked and
hurt, tried to sing a second song, and the look of betrayal on his face when
all four judges said no was brutal. Backstage he started sobbing, wondering if
he hurt Britney. She was upset by it, but Simon comforted her. That was a
difficult segment to watch, and manipulative on multiple levels for multiple
people. But it served its purpose: it humanized Britney, showed us that she’s
capable of doing this in the hardest of circumstances, and further established
the bond between the new judging panel (again, minus L.A., who is the worst).

Then the auditions moved to, of all places, Providence,
Rhode Island. Janelle Garcia, 18, is
adorable as can be, even if she called Pat Benatar
“old rock.” Child. She went with “Paris (Ooh La La)”
by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. She’s got some
soul and blues in her pipes and she really took to the stage. I liked this girl
more than any other audition of the night. She needs to tone down the hair
flipping and is desperately overdue for a makeover. I was getting an Allison Iraheta vibe from her, and that is a good thing. The judges
loved her, with Demi commenting on how she’s so cute
and unassuming…until she opens her mouth and howls. Simon said that she’s what
is missing from pop music right now. They all sent her through.

Jillian Jensen is
a 19-year-old piano teacher from Rochester, Massachusetts. From the stage she
spoke to Demi about their shared experiences with
bullying — which is a platform that Demi has
spoken about publicly — and I’m going to be really honest with you.
At first I was interested in the segment, and then she said something about how
people were mean to her and it “was not fair” and I just rolled my eyes. Excuse
me white, middle-class American who seems to have all of her parts intact and is in at
least decent health. Please go to other areas of the world where people live in
poverty, famine, and war, or talk to kids born blind or with AIDS, and then
tell them how unfair life is that some bitches in your school were mean to you.
Perspective, folks. The song she picked was way, way
too low for her in the beginning. But she did get markedly better, and really
emoted — I would argue too much. She became unhinged at one point. It was like
watching a therapy session set to music. Jillian is talented, but she needs to
lock her shit down, focus her issues into her craft, and go for it. I’m very
torn on her. Demi got up on stage and hugged her, and
the two of them had a moment. Demi should also go and
hug whoever was responsible for getting her onto this show, because this is
what is going to take her career to the next level. She came off better than
Britney tonight, and I was NOT expecting that. The judges lavished Jillian with praise and unanimously put her through. Simon
even got teary eyed. He does have human feelings!